Humor

Know This About The Challenge Of Annoying People To Avoid Being Derailed Finding God

/ Lori Lawe / 4 Comments

We take libraries for granted.

But think about it for a minute with me for illustration.

So we excitedly sign up for a library card, rubbing our hands with glee. We think, “I am now a MEMBER of a special COMMUNITY!” These people will give us access to tons and tons of books!!

At your request, they will order what they don’t have in the vast building of books from another library.

OH! All of these books are FREE to read and borrow. Who WOULDN’T be excited to be a member of said community?

(Besides people who don’t like books but stay with me for illustrative purposes.)

So we rub our hands with glee, excitedly awaiting a moment to sit in a corner with our favourite snack and a travel adventure.

“Are you a member of the LIBRARY COMMUNITY,” we are asked. We are annoyed. We want to enjoy our free book, which we borrowed from the LIBRARY.

“Sure,” we say, returning to our snack and the next paragraph.

“Oh.” The person nods assent and then sits cross-legged, cross-eyed, cross-limbed, and sticks out their tongue in a strange pose.

We are not interested in this behaviour because we want to return to page 4 of our book.

Then another person, and another, joins the first person, sitting next to them, adopting the same pose, staring cross-eyed at each other.

“Um – what are you doing?” we reluctantly ask.

“Oh, this is what we do at the library,” the person calmly states. She goes back to her pose.

WHAT??? Now, we are baffled, and we have one of three choices.

1. Renounce our library cards. These people are crazy! Of course, we also lose the privileges of ALL those free books . . . OR

2. Stay at the library and join them in the weird poses. After all, it’s only a tiny amount of time, and there are ALL those free books . . . OR

3. This is my recommended choice: We MAINTAIN our library membership, but clearly state that we will not join in the weird cross-eyed poses.

And what is the point of this entire post?

1. A library membership is like belonging to a church.

2. The weird poses are like some aspects of church culture.

3. Do we give up the church simply because a few weird-os are doing a bunch of strange poses – or otherwise having some sub-culture that has NOTHING to do with reading books or, in the case in point, with Jesus?

No.

That’s the answer.

So, let’s fight past the people on the front lawn standing with one leg up and posing in strange ways. Let’s fight past the person wearing a pink unicorn suit.

No – wait – that person is me, and I am reading a book and waiting for you. Unicorn suits are cool.

But don’t let them ruin your enjoyment of reading great books, or – SURPRISE! – of finding Jesus behind that huge library bookshelf. He offers you a hug.

He’s so glad you made it.

How To Save* (Or Destroy?*) Your Marriage – Two Advanced Acronyms

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

We start skiing on the green runs. We start working on our marriage by successfully applying two nonsense words to our marriages. But you are ready for the blue runs, the intermediate terrain.

One blue ski run (or intermediate acronym) for the daring only is:

N.O.C. – This acronym will be defined after describing the proper application of this term.

This acronym is used when your spouse talks about baseball when you aren’t interested in baseball. Or maybe he is discussing the minute details of some problem with the kids that you both SHOULD care about, but you have a headache, and the kids are doing okay, sort of – we all survived another week together. Do we HAVE to talk about this RIGHT NOW?

If this is how you are feeling, try saying this acronym.

N.O.C. means No One Cares.

This acronym is like moderate terrain when skiing because this phrase SHOULD be used sparingly, at least at first.

Are you ready for the black diamond ski run (or advanced acronym)? Here it is:

S.U.Y.A. – Can you guess this one? This phrase should be used VERY sparingly but produces excellent results.**

S.U.Y.A. means Shut Up, You’re Annoying

Use at your discretion only!

The application of this acronym is highly confidential and is to be used by experts only.

Or by (both) spouses who don’t take themselves too seriously.

And that’s the trick.

Know you’re an idiot.

Know your spouse is an idiot.

Move on!

And there you have it, folks – Marriage Class 101.

You’re WELCOME that we have saved you over $150 on a therapist. Oh, and if your spouse hates you after you apply these helpful tips? Well, go back to paragraph one in the initial blog post.

Marriage is a LOT of work, JUST LIKE getting ready to go skiing on the first day of the year.

Maybe pull out your wallet and try an actual therapist, one that can help you.

But that won’t work either unless you know you’re an idiot, you know you have a lot of stuff to be sorry for, you know you should speak less than you listen, and you are thankful that someone still wants to be around you.

Celebrate! You and your spouse made it through another day together! What more do you want? You’re an idiot, remember?

You’re welcome for this marriage advice.

Good luck!

Oh, and I realize this post is not as serious as it could be. And this is a serious topic. Sorry about that. (A bit more) serious advice will be given next time.

In the meantime, let’s pray: God, help us not to take ourselves and our spouses so seriously. Help us, however, to learn to take You more seriously.

How to take God more seriously so that our marriages have an opportunity to flourish will be discussed next time.

And that’s about it, friends. Be cheerful. Keep things in good repair. Keep your spirits up. Think in harmony. Be agreeable. Do all that, and the God of love and peace will be with you for sure. 

The Message, 2000+ year old text

Blogpost Footnotes

*Results not guaranteed

**Sample size = 1 marriage (Our marriage)

How To Look Good At Church

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

Photo source

Now she looks good.

This lady is 82 years old and wears a fancy hat EVERY Sunday at church.

Yes, I DO want to be like her when I grow up!

I even started collecting fancy hats at thrift stores to prepare for my old age. Below is a picture of me as Ms. Lovelybottom, the alter-ego who teaches our homeschooled kids manners. (Don’t ask. That advice is for when I know you better. A lot better).

So, yes! Some of us look GOOD when we go to church! And some of us look REALLY GOOD!

Once, I was featured on (my) blog detailing in the footnote WHAT name-brand clothing and accessories I was wearing! (For those who read that post, please don’t tell them EVERYTHING!) The point is that I am clearly qualified to advise on how to look good at church.

Ahem . . .

There was once a family led by a single mom who attended a church. She had four boys and one girl and EVERY WEEK, they were late. Sometimes, we would see one of the kids swatting the other as they pushed each other through the front door.

There was also a single lady who attended that same church.

Every week, the single lady looked like Mary in the show Downton Abbey. She looked VERY VERY good. AND her clothes were ironed.

And she didn’t push anyone on her way in the door.

She arrived early and unhurried.

But she turned up her nose at the four boys and their little sister. She looked down on them a bit, revealing her skinny, naked heart without much life. Her love was cold.

Through God’s eyes, she didn’t look as good as she thought.

Because God looks at the revelation we STILL HAVE compared to the revelation that we HAVE BEEN GIVEN. (If confused, see the explanation here).

The four boys still had some character issues to sort out, as they pushed each other around, missing their father, who could have modelled gentleness but was absent.

And their little sister, looking up at the four boys, sucking her thumb, her unwiped nose and big curious eyes peeking over her stuffy? She looked over at her brothers and smiled. They are learning.

Some of their rough edges rub off as their hearts register a few more millimetres of God’s love each Sunday.

The siblings’ incremental, growing love for each other infects the well-dressed woman too. The boys are making her look good as they grow and learn to direct their God-given energy and love to each other well. Eventually, they also serve her, in love, helping her with some outdoor work one Saturday afternoon.

And soon they are all – the little girl, the four boys, the well-dressed single woman – looking much better in their hearts, where it matters to God.

And that’s how we look good in church.

We keep going every Sunday and let the annoying people there refine us, grow us, and stretch us.

It’s the idiots (um…including us!) that make us look good at church.

And God looks at our hearts and is pleased with the growth.

We glean a drop or two more of understanding of God’s love for us, which gives us patience and a sense of humour to pour a drop or two of love onto our neighbours, especially the annoying ones.

Our hearts look better than they WOULD HAVE if we had stayed home each Sunday.

And there is a little more love in the world.

But having a nice hat helps, too, of course.

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Stop Agonizing – 2 Unmissable Reasons To Homeschool (Or Not)

/ Lori Lawe / 5 Comments

For most of us, deciding whether to homeschool or not is an agonizing decision.

So, let’s say we choose to homeschool. What if we wake up one Saturday late because we are exhausted and realize with terror that we’ve ruined our kids? That they are irrevocably broken?

On the other hand, what if we put our kids through the cookie-cutter “everyone-else-is-doing-it” public school experience, and after confidently sipping lemonade with our feet up, discover the cookie-cutter is broken, and we have a different-shaped kid than we expected?

This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart.

But you must decide by Monday because school starts then, and you still don’t have your books (I’ve been there), if you will plunge into the homeschooling world – the beautiful, exhausting, messy, societally outcast-able (your kids do WHAT all day??) world of homeschooling.

So, to homeschool or not?

The cons of homeschooling and public schooling should be thoroughly evaluated to decide whether you should consider homeschooling.

First, let’s study the cons of homeschooling.

#1 – The number one con of homeschooling is that they are HOME. ALL the time. Wow. Need I say more? Before you grab a martini and try to forget that you were even considering this option, please read on.

#2 – The number two con of homeschooling is that you have to regularly flip through your Rolodex, or whatever, pick up the phone and CALL their friends so that they have a play date.

Well, of course, now we do all that in one swipe, but you get the point. It is ANNOYING. If you toss your kids in a room full of kids exactly the same age as them and leave them there every day for a year, you don’t NECESSARILY need to ensure they are spending even MORE time with these same kids. Enough said.

Now, let’s study the cons of public schooling.

#1 – The number one con of public schooling is that they are GONE. ALL the time. Wow. Need I say more? We shuffle the little snotty cuties off to dance or soccer practice after school and then to play dates or birthday parties. They NEED even MORE time with the same kids discussed in point #2 above so other kids don’t climb over them in the grade school pecking order.

Now, there are only drops of water in the jug of time the kids have left over for YOU. Before you grab a martini and try to forget that you were even considering this option, please read on.

#2 – The number two con of public schooling is the school system may put you in the equivalent of a dark closet and shut the door while your child is going through something that will affect them for the rest of their life*.

They will do this to you because they want to help your child. Whether they are right or not is a discussion for another time.

The point is that abdicating parental involvement in a life-altering event for your child is now part of what your signature indicates when you enroll them in kindergarten.

It’s worth considering this, at least, as you have tea and perhaps flip a coin to help choose a schooling option for your children.

And the point of this blogpost? Perhaps every involved parent should seriously consider homeschooling. Now, I do know that homeschooling is not an option for every family. And indeed, this is not the best choice for every family. And even if it were, most families aren’t crazy enough to try it.

God, as a parent Yourself, you empathize with us that parenting is not for the faint of heart. Please help us to confidently decide which schooling option is best for each child this year. Guide us as You see the future and know what is best for each unique child.

Cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace.

The Message

Do you sense that God may be nudging you toward homeschooling? What makes you want to move in this direction? If you are currently homeschooling and want to quit, we encourage you to keep sailing in the same direction until the skies clear, friend.

Blogpost Footnotes

*Parents from Mongomery County, for example, took the school system to court because “Parents should be in the loop” of a “decision that can have some very life-changing effects – and parents are principally in charge of helping their children through those types of situations.” Source: The Washington Post – Link to the full article

Make Your Homeschooled Kid Look Like An Idiot So They Ace The SAT

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

I was frothing at the mouth again, spewing words of dissent, grumbling to myself. My husband was sitting next to me in the car, waiting for my spaz to end. This tantrum was my regular 3-month routine.

I had gotten more report cards for my kids.

And I wasn’t happy.

Our kids excelled in some areas, according to these report cards. However, some of the grades reflected ME as a homeschool teacher more than my KIDS as students. I hadn’t been toeing the line again.

And my kids were getting the academic spanking.

However, if, as a homeschooling parent, we TRY to do every little thing that the school system asks, we will end up as blobs of discouragement, unable to get off the couch again. The system is designed for us to fail. As homeschooling parents, we must set sail in a new direction, slightly off-center from the true north the school system uses.

And so our kids may look like morons for a while.

For example, after I exited from the Canadian public school system in Grade 12, I had honor roll status and the coveted knowledge of about 200 years of European settler’s Canadian history, which had been drilled down my throat at least weekly for 12 years. I hadn’t realized that other countries had histories, too! And some of their histories were longer than 200 years!

So, I CHOSE to have my kids learn world history more often from a challenging, classically based curriculum.

Therefore, their Canadian social studies grades plummeted for a while.

However, their social studies grades were assigned assuming they hadn’t done ANY socials instead of reflecting that they hadn’t studied the EXACT socials curriculum recommended in that grade.

Whatever.

And it’s not just social studies that follow this pattern.

Our school systems are based on Greek methods of learning*, where we dissect learning down into thousands of pieces, and they divvy out hundreds of “goals” for a SPECIFIC age level to learn. Check out these PLOs (fancy word for goals) for Canadian students for each grade. Studied astronomy in Grade 4 when your kid was actually interested in it instead of in Grade 3? Zero on their report card.

And so I was frustrated.

We solved this little problem by not telling our kids what report cards were until high school. It’s surprising, in retrospect, how infrequently their public school friends mentioned report cards. So, our kids “skipped” viewing their report cards for about a decade.

After seeing their early report cards myself and having my little verbal spaz that my husband happened to be near enough to hear, I had a nice sugary iced latte (my therapy of choice), and then my husband and I talked about other things. This routine was just another homeschooling rhythm we observed. We didn’t have to discuss the details.

Years later, when our first child graduated from high school, she aced much of the SAT, an average score among her classically trained students. (The SAT is a standardized test taken by, generally the top 30% of academically achieving students. Yeah, I hadn’t heard of it either. I was public schooled, too.)

Dorothy Sayers wrote about this effect almost 80 years ago.

Classically trained children don’t do as well as other kids early on. They don’t have time to systematically jump through every hoop and complete every learning goal assigned to them. They are too busy learning to think.

Later on, they often do comparatively better academically than their peers.

Maybe encouraging our kids to read hard books** and then reading challenging books aloud really pays off in the long term.

And even though our kids LOOK like geeky academic superstars, we all know that academic prowess is not the PRIMARY goal for our homeschooled kids.

But if we do want their brains to flourish to their full potential, maybe encouraging them to look like idiots for a few years is not such a bad idea.

Sugary latte, anyone? (Sugar is one of my coping tactics to help me not follow the crowd. WEREN’T YOU LISTENING earlier in this post when I first mentioned my iced latte?! What? NOT EVERYONE listens to my every word? Oh well. I can feel a bit better about myself because at least my kids are smart.)

Sure, I’ll have a double caramel iced latte, too.

Thank you!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Blogpost Footnotes

*Much has been written comparing the Greek and Hebrew educational philosophies. For a brief summary, check out this talk.

**My daughter is reading The War with Hannibal by Livy (circa 200 BC) as I write this. Hey! Flaunting ego is the path to true success, remember!

Overwhelmed? (Non-)Expert Psychotherapy For Free!

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

So, I saw a Psychotherapist for the first time this week.

Oh, shut up! You need to see a Psychotherapist, too! You’re just too afraid of what may be dragged up from the depths to step near her office.

So I thought I would teach you what she taught me so you can save $160.

Yup. Psychotherapists get paid $160 PER HOUR.

I thought there must be a decimal error somewhere, too.

Nope.

So she taught me a “Tapping” technique called EFT Tapping.

I’ll teach it to you!

Now, in case you didn’t know, a caveat is that I am NOT a Psychotherapist! In fact, I have no idea what Psychotherapy even is! Psychotherapy has the root word “psycho” in it, which is a bit concerning, if I’m honest.

But, hey! What can go wrong? I’m teaching you what I learned for free!

If you try this technique and accidentally go more nuts or something, then sorry! Full refund! Haha!

(Since this is free . . . get it? Never mind.)

And we’re off!

So you Tap. Using two fingers, you gently Tap on the places where we usually rub our heads when overwhelmed. Yes! It’s easy!

And this is based on REAL science!

I’ll tell you what happened in my appointment so you can get the FULL experience.

She asked me how I was feeling RIGHT THEN. A little overwhelmed, frantic, and busy. Aren’t we all?

I mentioned why I thought this was the case, and she said, in an I’m-not-really-listening way, “Oh, that’s too bad!”

So I won’t listen to you as you answer that question either!

You’re welcome!

Then, she switched gears and said we could try “Tapping.” I thought it was a little insensitive of her not to talk through much of what I said, as most often, the reason we pay people is so they’ll listen to us. (Wait. Does that mean I should pay you for listening to me on this blog? Never mind.)

Anyway, I’m giving this a shot, trusting her.

And now, since I learned from her, you can trust me!

As mentioned, EFT Tapping is based on science. Here, I’m not even lying about the science part, as I was here!

So we Tap the beginning of one eyebrow, the end of the eyebrow, under the eye. You know how we naturally rub our temples or under our eyes when overwhelmed?

Other places are under the nose, the little divot on our chin, below our collarbone, and armpits.

As I was Tapping, I was thinking, who in the world has TIME for this?

This thought reminded me of a story about my good friend. She was told about some new scientific research. When a dog is happy, it wags its tail slightly MORE on the right than the left.

My friend had a blank look and replied, “Who the *** has time to study that ***?”

I was connecting with her feelings of time frustration as I Tapped.

However, remembering that my body shut down on me when I ran it into the ground a few months ago, I shut up and Tapped. (This is only a slight exaggeration of the truth of why my body shut down here, but who CARES about truth anymore, anyway?).

Are you Tapping?

Good!

Then, I found some tears sliding down my cheek, which was a little weird. I’m not a frequent crier. (My husband says I’m lying here again. No comment.) My motto is: Life is too funny for tears!

But when I slowed down, here’s the thing:

I could hear the voice of God speaking to the depths, healing me a little more.

I think the biggest key to learning to hear from God is SLOWING DOWN.

And what did He say? Good question.

What did He say to you when you slowed down for a minute to be still?

In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength

Ancient Text

Another time, I’ll write up the part about what God seemed to whisper, so you’ll pay me that 99 cents for the information you CAN’T WAIT another day for!

Ha!

Just kidding!

This information is free, remember!

Just know: You get what you pay for!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

How To Be A Little Less Nuts – 3 Lessons From The Trenches

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

I ate and ate and ate, stuffing in chocolate cake, ice cream, sweets, candy, and lollipops. And why?

I don’t know.

“Why do we do stupid things?” is a good question.

Why do we make that wrong romantic decision or escalate a fight when we know we can never win?

(Of course, winning an argument is not the ONLY reason to purposely escalate fights. For more helpful marital advice, go here. You’re welcome!)

Why come down so hard on our kids that we’ve discouraged them from trying again?

Why do we yell at our spouse and then assume the “happy, polite voice” when the phone rings?

And then why do we turn to ice cream, and when we’ve polished off that container, search the cupboards for that half box of stale cookies we are sure is in there somewhere?

And why do we repeat this cycle?

“Yeah, sure, I get it,” I respond, a mouthful of ice cream making it hard to annunciate my words. “We feel bad, and so we want the endorphin rush that sugar or crystal meth provides.”

Yeah.

But how do we step off this crazy cycle and reassess our lives and decisions from a thousand feet up?

How do we get back onto the trail in the forest, the one where we meander on the hike with our friends, laughing a bit as we walk, resting at the cabin in the woods before continuing our journeys?

How can we be a little less nuts?

Lately, this is the question I have been pondering lately as I try to extract myself from my recently constructed crazy loop.

Got any advice?

My ice cream is finished and I have a few seconds before heading to the cupboard to look for stale treats.

How do we stop being the nuts-o little bird I saw that day repeatedly pounding its head against the window and instead peck around in the forest like we were made to do?

Maybe we’ve finally discerned the right question to ask:

How are we behaving in ways humans were never designed to behave?

1. Well, Jesus has been knocking on our door for the last few minutes, or hours, or decades. He greets us with a smile and a wave when we finally open the door, holding the first draught of the medicine we need that will make our hearts and stomachs ache but eventually feel better. Do we slam the door in His face again and return to our lonely rooms and video games, telling ourselves that our cheap thrills and distractions are better than tea with a friend who understands our deepest headaches and offers us a Kleenex and some hope, Jesus?

2. Did we stop long enough to listen to the warning sounds, the alarm bells that indicate something is amiss, long before we act out irrationally?

For example, when I started homeschooling, I surprised myself by lashing out in anger at my unsuspecting kids over a minor infraction. I couldn’t figure out my behaviour but my first step towards healing was noticing the growing hint of resentment as my husband sat on the couch, the jealousy towards my kids that they were reading while I was cleaning up again, and the longing for time by myself. Would I stop playing the martyr when I first noticed these cues and head out for a walk or a visit with a friend, my understanding husband wishing me well and patting me on the back for being proactive this time?

Or would I wait for the full volcanic eruption, spewing my partially digested insides for all to see?

3. Am I being patient with myself? Growth in all plants and animals takes more time than we have to sit around waiting for it. Can we pat each other on the back whenever we see growth in our friends, family, or ourselves?

For example, yeah, I ate a bunch of extra dessert this week, and no, not even on a Sunday!

I slipped in that habit, but I’ve been growing in other healthy practices.

Did we remember to count our wins?

. . . it’s important to build a rule of life slowly, deliberately, and prayerfully . . . is there one practice (Sabbath, prayer, spiritual friendship, witness, etc.) that would be most fruitful for you to begin with? Do you sense the Holy Spirit leading you to focus on a particular aspect…?

Ken Shigematsu God in My Everything – How An Ancient Rhythm Helps Busy People Enjoy God

We don’t compare ourselves with where we want to end up. That’s too discouraging. But when we pick ourselves up after a fall and jump back in the race, then we can be sure Jesus is cheering us on.

Because we’re growing!

Well done, friend!

No, you’re not a nutcase – you only seem that way!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

7 Tips To Transform (Even Lowly* Homeschool Parents) Into Superheros

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

We are learning to balance and juggle the 10,000 eggs that constitute homeschooling.

Most of these eggs are unnecessary, but that is a discussion for another time.

But we juggled two eggs for a minute today! Are you ready to try for three with me?

And so, parents, how do we become homeschooling heros? Seven tips:

  1. We get dressed.
  2. We make supper.
  3. We jump into the fray and try to keep swimming in stormy weather, rescuing pots about ready to boil over (Why DID the homeschooling support teacher phone us again? Doesn’t he know yet that they DO learn some stuff, sometimes?) and then we clean up dog vomit, and listen to the friend who arrives on our doorstep, crying, or maybe she listens to us.
  4. We lower our expectations.
  5. We drink our martinis to celebrate our success. 
  6. We don’t quit until quitting time.
  7. We pray for our transformation.

Well done, homeschooling mom, homeschooling dad!

Your kids are doing great, but they always have been doing well.

But you! 

You’re going to make it, too!

Well done! I tip my martini glass in your direction! We’re giving hope to our culture, as described here and here and here. Let’s celebrate!

We can trust that God has been waking us, calling us into a new adventure, for example, into homeschooling. And if we’ve been taking the next step to follow, His purposes for our lives WILL BE fulfilled, even if we can’t find them in the mess of our houses and hearts.

“I don’t think the way you think.
The way you work isn’t the way I work.”
God’s Decree. . .
Just as rain and snow descend from the skies
and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth,
Doing their work of making things grow and blossom,
producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,
So will the words that come out of my mouth
not come back empty-handed.
They’ll do the work I sent them to do,
they’ll complete the assignment I gave them. 

“So you’ll go out in joy,
you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.”

The Message

For more superhero homeschooling resources, or to laugh at another to make yourself feel better (Lori’s comment: Wait – whaa..? What is that editor on about, now? Oh well), check out these encouraging homeschooling posts:

  • Go here to see me in my own homemade superhero costume.
  • To discover that even homeschooling dogs can be superheros, go here.

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Blogpost Footnotes

*For example, The Best Path To Real Success Is To Loudly Flaunt Your Ego

Failing As A Homeschool Parent? Try This Tip! (Shhh… Plan Supper!)

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

I looked around me but with a smile in my heart.

The kids were playing contentedly, cutting out shapes with scissors. Wait – was that my planning notes they were chopping into shreds? And were those my scissors they were using?

Well, you can’t have perfection.

They are playing independently!

It had been an excellent day, in a homeschooling kind of day. We had our usual ups and downs, but my head was still above water, and it was only 5:15 pm! The kids had learned some stuff today.

I felt like a raging success. 

The tidal wave of to-do items had flooded us again, but we were still standing.

“I am a success!” I thought, satisfaction bursting open my heart. “A homeschooling success!” Today, I got up early, dressed to kill (that is, I got dressed), put on my lipstick, and taught my kids stuff with (mostly) a smile, only some of the times forced!

Our house was a disaster, yes, still, but we can’t expect perfection! 

The Yeti of disorganized, disregarded homeschool supplies and clothes half the size of my children still yelled at me from the basement, but I couldn’t hear it today.

“It’s time for a well-deserved bath.” Time to paint my toenails (Wait – I never paint my toenails, but don’t you wish you were the kind of person who does, sometimes?). Time to put my feet up and relax. Well done!

And when my husband burst open the door that evening, home from work, I was excited to share my success with him. 

“Look! Children playing contendedly!” I pointed out. “Look!” I shouted excitedly. “Feel their heads! Their brains are still warm!” 

This was definite proof they had learned something under my tutelage. Kids CAN learn something from people who aren’t professional teachers! (In fact, homeschooling is easier if we aren’t professional teachers, but that is a discussion for next time.)

I was ready to pour us both a martini when . . .

One of the kids mentioned supper . . .

Do you know that noise that plays in the movies that sounds like a record player in reverse for about three seconds? That sound reverberated in my head. Right.

Supper.

I found a couple of limp carrots in the fridge’s bottom drawer, behind some rotting sauerkraut. Why don’t they stand up straight after being in the fridge for a long time? A handful of cabbage, brown spots along one edge. One egg.

Noooo!

I am happy that this situation described above only affected me once (My editor wrote 1,000 times because she insists on truth. Spoils sport!) Eventually, I learned a lesson that saved my ability to homeschool:

After morning coffee, and yes, while I am still in a housecoat and slippers, and as soon as the brain switches on, I take a look in the fridge before I understand the first words of needy children.

Anything there we can eat today?

And if not, grocery shopping is our first homeschooling field trip. We weigh vegetables using those fancy hanging scales in the produce section for our math! Our reading lesson is held in Aisle 4 as the kids try to find a word they recognize on the soup can: tertiary butylhydroquinone, anyone? 

We take our lemons and we make lemonade again.

Yes! I have a plan for supper! You?

And we pat ourselves on the back because, just like our kids, we learn and grow as we homeschool, too. We have our priorities in the proper order. Our energy and sanity are limited resources, and we chose well today!

Feeding their little bodies well is MORE important than feeding their little minds.

Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it.

Albert Einstein

Yes, we may have to start afresh with our planning pages after our kids cut them into shreds to make bunny litter since we forgot to buy more, but we ARE making progress today!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Living Joyfully – Be A Liar, Nutcase, And Tyrant!?

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

So one day I’m sitting on the couch, head in hands, overwhelm consuming me.

The next day I’m dancing.

What was the path that took me from there to here?

Good question!

I’m glad you asked.

Here are the key stepping stones that led me across the river, onto a narrower path, without so many hurdles.

1. Pretend to be sick when you aren’t

What I mean is, if a few sniffles and a “headache” can help your kids bring you tea, quietly close the door behind them, and get all their homeschooling work (mostly) done in a hurry to “help” you out, then isn’t that just a helpful parenting strategy?

Yes, they may play a few more video games that day, but sometimes we have to negotiate with the enemy (is there perhaps a more precise word here?)!

And how do we need fewer “emotionally unstable” or “sick” days? This is the obvious question we want to ask ourselves as the mature adults that we are. We don’t want to HAVE to lie (I prefer the term “play pretend”) to our kids quite so often. What I’ve learned is the following:

2. Try not to be such a nutcase

Oh, come ON, admit it! You ARE a nutcase, too! I haven’t met even ONE homeschooling parent, for example, who didn’t start this way.

We start our homeschooling adventure with our new homeschooling planners (I have paid up to $99.99 for mine – a VERY expensive calendar with a bunch of blank paper inside).

We ALL start with our new, sharp pencils and energy overflowing from within. We purchase a shiny new curriculum or textbook and dutifully divide the book into 36 weeks, the total number of weeks in a school year. When we have completed this exercise with our stack of texts, we wipe the sweat from our brow and think – GREAT! I know EXACTLY what my kids will be learning on March 16, next year!

We pour ourselves a martini and wait for the homeschooling year to start.

What we forgot is that we are teaching little Machiavellis.

We also forgot that we are nutcases, and unfortunately, for 99.999% of us, we OVER-estimated our kids and our energy levels after Christmas.

Plus, they STILL cry every day when we do math.

And we are still in our pyjamas.

Another “sick” day, anyone?

Noooooo! That’s not for you!

We listen. We reattach our ears. We get down on our knees and humbly beg our God to give us wisdom in parenting in exchange for the promises each curriculum provides (none of it works anyway).

We ask for ONE or maybe TWO areas of prayer for each child. Oh, and for us.

God’s priorities will not be those we choose for our kids. We prioritize hockey and extra math lessons so that EVERY KID born in this country will be in the NBA (or whatever the popular sports leagues are) and have myriad universities begging them to attend.

Instead, we humbly exchange our vanity, linked to our child’s successes, for God’s chosen priorities for them.

And His priorities for us are interior postures of the heart, a heart sickness within each of our kids, and in us to focus on. Lying? Selfishness? Bickering? Jealousy?

Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

The Message

The other stuff comes.

Look at our family. We stink at looking good when we are homeschooling, and yet even our children have astonishing accolades! Maybe that’s just because homeschooling kids give hope to our culture.

Whatever.

The point is that when they leave the house, you’ll suddenly realize it matters a lot more than you initially thought that your kids are kind instead of culturally amazing. And then the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree! Just like a clean house, exceptional kids lacking in character are DEFINITELY overrated.

3. Become a tyrant

It’s the kids who are born as tyrants, but if you become a tyrant, there is order in the home. Then the true skill we need to learn next is how to become a tyrant to ourselves. We need to grow in the skill of bossing OURSELVES around.

When we show up at a paid job, in our office clothes and clipboard, we say “Yes Ma’am!”, do what we are told, then come home exhausted and put our feet up.

But when we show up on our first day of homeschooling, for example, no terrifying boss threatens to fire us each day.

It’s easy for us and our kids to stay in our pyjamas.

Learning to manage our own time is a skill.

Shout out to Mystie Winckler, who helped me a lot here.

Essentially, what is the MINIMUM work that needs to get done by my kids and by me? CHECKING my kid’s work is MY JOB I need to do, whether I feel like it or not. How am I doing with that job?

And if you find you are in overwhelm again? No problem, dear friend.

1. Declare another sick day!

2. Pray a LOT!

3. Learn a couple of tangible skills to proactively manage the ship!

It’s all about rhythms, and this is your rhythm, Mom, Dad.

Don’t give up!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!