Family

Empower Yourselves, Parents! New Science Proves Teens DON’T Actually Have To Be Jerks!

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment
a woman in a black hoodie talking on a cell phone

Of course, we all expect our teen children to hate us, be embarrassed around us, talk down about us to their friends, and find every way they can to show that they are rebelling against everything we stand for as the authority figures in their lives.

We wag our fingers at them and say, “YOU SHOULD do this or that!” even though we didn’t do this or that when we were their age, and getting up off the couch to talk to our kids is hard for us sometimes because our snacks and our devices call us to do more important things.

What if there is a different reality to parenting?

Even if we’ve rolled up our sleeves over the last nearly two decades and gotten “Good Parent Points” on our clipboards for throwing balls with our kids, giving them birthday parties, and teaching them to drive, what if even then, deep down, we still expect our teens to be embarrassed around us, spend as little time with us as possible and talk disrespectfully about us behind our backs until they are finally “Free.”

What if the expectations we have of our teens are too small?

It turns out they are.

Check out this NEW1 research.

Lecture 17 of Your Best Brain: The Science of Brain Improvement by John Medina says:

“[The scientist] makes several important observations about the powerful effect of culture [on teens] . . . [He] points to a study . . . looking at adolescent behaviour in 186 pre-industrialized societies. The research did NOT find lots of classic impulsive, obnoxious, get me away from my parent’s teenage behaviour in ALL of them. In fact, they found the opposite. More than half the young males exhibited no rebellious behaviour at all. Teens in these cultures spent most of their time hanging around their parents. They often helped with the chores both in family and in broader social activities”.

We saw an example of this kind of teen culture in reality at the homeschooling conference we recently attended.

It was a culture shock because not all the teens were jerks!

Consider the following:

(1) At the homeschooling family barn dance (Can I stop there?) . . .

(2) In which parents and all ages of family members, including teens, danced in the same big hall (Can I stop there?) . . .

(3) Often a very young child would join in the fray. Partners switched every few seconds sometimes, in a (deliberately) Jane Austen style. EVERY SINGLE TEENAGE BOY that I saw whose turn it was to dance with the 3-year-old, hunched down, smiled and spun the little girl in time to the music. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Watching teen after teen do this was so sweet – It made me tear up.

(4) These are not the teens skulking in corners, hoping for a chance to get outside and smoke more pot.

Entering this homeschooling culture, even through reading this newsletter, may be enough to destroy culturally low expectations of today’s teens.

Check out this site for teens for another example: The Rebelution – Rebelling Against Low Expectations

So friend, now that you feel empowered to refuse low expectations of your teens, I recommend you go home, yell at your kids, throw some stuff around the house and make your point VERY clear that now you KNOW they don’t HAVE to be jerks anymore!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

After that advice, consider asking God how you may need to throw out the way that you see that child and see them instead through the glasses that God gives you, the way He sees that child.

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

The Message

Oh, and by the way, the expectations of the Father for your life are greater than you imagine for yourself, too.

Do you have time for coffee and fresh vision?

Thank you for liking me! I like you too! Let’s journey together!

Photo Credits: Teen by Микола Тонкодуб on Unsplash, Barn Dance From Logos Online School Website

1This book by John Medina is over 10 years old, but “New” is a relative term, and let’s admit that we all have forgotten half the stuff we need to know to do well in life, anyway! Related, consider the following quote:

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

Ivan Pavlov

This quote proves that you have no idea what you are doing, either, as you parent your kids, and any information, whether new OR old, will help you!

Overwhelm Threatening To Suffocate = This One Surprising Opportunity

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

men's white top

Head in hands again. Trying to shut out the noise. The kids with their needs swirling around me.

We are homeschooling in February.

Continuing this thankless task in February becomes my annual despair, one shared with all homeschooling families (Except for the perfect families we all hate. Don’t feel jealous. They’ll crash and burn out too. I’ve been homeschooling for a while, so I’ve seen a few things.)

If you are not homeschooling in February, what is your despair?

We all have the odd despair that tries to attach itself to us like an unwelcome leech.

Anyway, I sat on the couch, my overwhelm consuming me. Do I declare (another) fun day and take the kids cross-country skiing?

Should we call all our homeschooling friends and organize (another) hockey party on the free outdoor ice rink?

Do I give them as much “independent work” as I can and try to tackle the mess of stuff in the basement, the pile that seems to have acquired a life of its own and that roars at me as I pass like a Yeti in the basement?

Or do I confront the emotions in my heart that are spilling out onto the couch next to me, a mess I am trying to hide but that is emerging despite my best efforts to pretend I am confidently steering this homeschooling ship?

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to hide behind the fun. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that our home is so disorganized that we can no longer find pencils to do our math. Or that no one cares. “I like using a green crayon to do my math, Mommy!” she asserts.

She is not trying to make me feel better. She is genuinely happy. Her needs are met.

And mine?

“I’m not worried about the kids,” my husband would assert. “I’m worried about you.”

So I offer you tea and a listening ear, dear friend, and ask:

How are you?

Not how are your kids?

Not how is the state of your home (We know it’s a disaster. You homeschool!)

How are you?

People who suppress feelings experience less positive and more negative emotions.

APA PsycNet

And then your tears, and your head in hands, and I put my arm around you to comfort you.

And as we:

  1. Admit to first ourselves and then another, through our tears, that all is not well . . .
  2. And after we put the ridiculous plans we cling to for creating super kids off the shelves of our egos . . .
  3. After we slow down and watch our kids learn for a while (Healthy plants in healthy soil grow. Similarly, healthy kids in a healthy environment learn, even and especially when we don’t beat them with rods to “encourage” them to know exactly what WE want) . . .
  4. Then we’re finally ready…

For what, you ask?

To learn the one most important lesson that overwhelm teaches us, which is that:

When we feed ourselves with unhealthy food, our tummies won’t feel very good for a while.

However, This is GOOD NEWS because we can go to the store and buy carrots today!

And how does this relate to homeschooling, for example?

If you follow the crowd and eat whatever they eat (50% highly processed foods), your tummy will get a bit upset afterward. Similarly, if you follow the crowds and set up your homeschool to mimic public school goals, for example, you’ll find that burnout is as certain as feeling bad after eating an entire box of Oreos.

Overwhelm is the blaring red light that tells us that letting our minds and actions drift with the crowd isn’t a healthy option.

There is a better way, friend, and overwhelm, our teacher and friend, unlocks a higher path.

a bird flying over some rocks and grass

More on the first step of HOW to get out of overwhelm next time.

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Image Credits: Man Upset by Dmitry Vechorko on Unsplash, Bird Soaring by Kshithij Chandrashekar on Unsplash

Advice: Your Bridge To Hope After Your Kid Moves Out

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment
green trees near brown wooden bridge during daytime
Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

I’m mad at you! At all of you with a child over seventeen years old who left home! I hate you all! Why didn’t you tell me it would be this hard to say goodbye when they left for college!?

And all of you with babies too, babies that are older than my oldest baby, I hate you all too!

Before we had babies, why didn’t you tell us that looking after babies would be so hard!?

Ah, yes . . .

It is because we wouldn’t have believed you even if you would have spoken up.

And if our teens truly understood the depth of our loss, many of these kids wouldn’t leave home. They are good kids. I relayed these thoughts to my husband, processing them aloud through my tears.

“And we want them to leave,” I cried out. “Yes, we do,” my husband comforted. Then he shoots me a sideways, knowing look. I remembered that this morning, our teen was DEFINITELY right when she was DEFINITELY wrong, and instead of bursting into tears, I burst into laughter.

I feel some joy mixed with some sorrow.

And so, “Goodbye!” we say as we wave.

Except it’s not kindergarten, and they are heading to school on a bus. We homeschooled, so we missed that milestone. It’s 600 km away, and the tearing, the necessary, painful cleaving continues.

Reflecting God’s nature, He created them male and female. . . Therefore, a [person] leaves his father and mother

The Message

I told you it would be that way, Jesus reminds me softly. Many years earlier, in prayer, Jesus showed me a picture of my daughters, one after the other, ready to board a plane to soar off on their journeys of independence. He began preparing my heart to say goodbye many years ago, even then.

Many of us homeschooling parents pushed the love boundary of our hearts a little further than expected when we cracked open those brand new math texts on day one of homeschooling.

The depth of love surprises us all and surpasses the boundary markers we set up to protect ourselves. If we love what we know, we will get to know these kids, and our love for them will transform us. Love always does.

I’m not saying that homeschooling is one domino after the other of perfect days.

I have homeschooled for 4,745 days (I’m convinced you don’t have enough math skills to figure out how many years I have spent homeschooling- Who does?). Of those days, I have NEVER yet had one perfect day.

Nope.

Not one. Just daily joy mixed with daily sorrow. Master storyteller J.R.R. Tolkien explains it this way:

The possibility of [sorrow and failure] is necessary to the joy of deliverance . . . giving a fleeting glimpse of Joy, Joy beyond the walls of the world, poignant as grief.

And so saying goodbye to the teen as she flies off to college is just another homeschooling day: some joy mixed with some sorrow.

We are used to that. We’ve gotten stronger over the years. It’s just another part of the daily homeschooling rhythm.

We will be ready because we have been practicing daily for this: some joy and some sorrow, repeat tomorrow.

We’re going to be OK.

And so, as we watch them soar, we nurse our grief a little and then flap our baby wings and listen for the call from Him into a new adventure.

And in the same way that we invest in our future by putting aside a few dollars each month, is He asking us to invest in our spiritual future by putting aside a few minutes each day to listen to Him calling us, comforting us, asking us to set aside the old, and to pick up the new?

How is he calling you to wake up?

Where to next, God?

I can’t quite fly yet, but I am sensing another adventure.

Yes, I’ll follow!

(How about you?)

Two More Funny Things They Said About Nature And Growth That Will Make You Laugh (NOT at ME!)

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment
Two autistic friends sitting outside using stim toys and laughing at their phones
Photo by Hiki App on Unsplash

My family, it seems, is seeking some sort of revenge because of the embarrassing things I wrote about them and posted on the internet this week.

But I don’t think that kind of attitude is a very Christian response! We are supposed to forgive those who wrong us! Wait – Let me find the right Bible passage to support my cause.

Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.

The Message

You see?

I am right. And what’s the big deal about posting embarrassing stuff about them on the internet, anyway? I mean, just because there are 5 billion people online, it’s not like everyone is going to read it ALL! People are so sensitive and get easily offended nowadays!

Since that post, my friends and family have been looking for the notebook where they wrote the embarrassing and stupid things that I said last year, but I lost it.

Or – I mean, THEY lost it.

Whatever.

Well, I think I’ll publish a few more silly things they said because we all should learn to have a bit thicker skin in life!

Here’s another bible verse that also, coincidentally, supports my cause!

The fear of human opinion disables . . .

The Message

We’re all learning and growing together, in love and good will, which is what matters most anyway!

May you be blessed with many fruitful and supportive relationships in this year, too!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

On Appreciating The Important Things In Life

I heard one family member loudly yelling, while he was still a long way off:

He said: “NATURE IS . . .”

There was a long pause as he searched for a an exact word to express his strong emotion –

“. . . STUPID!!!”

(This happened the day the mice chewed through the rubber bottom of our garage door, the bear destroyed the new apple tree we planted that year, and he opened the barbeque to discover a rat looking sweetly up at him.)

On Learning New Things

We’re all learning new languages on Duolingo

A family member shouted one day: “Hey, I can understand everything!”

He thinks momentarily and then clarifies, “But I can’t say much.”

He thinks a bit longer and then says: “No, wait. I can’t understand anything really, yet either.”

Happy New Year!

May you learn a lot of new things this year, too!

a large fireworks display with a castle in the background
Photo by Joshua Kettle on Unsplash

Another voice: Oh yes! I know how to publish on her blog when she isn’t looking. She did the same thing to me one year by publishing her stuff on my blog when I wasn’t looking!

Here:

Kyah: “Mom is very good at apologizing.”

Me, feeling pretty good about myself!

Kyah: “She’s very good at being mean and then apologizing.”

I was upset: “I just got a big food stain on my new yellow sweater!”

Andy: “You do too much work around the house to wear clean stuff like that!”

Me: (!!!)

Andy: Remember when you started crying when the other people took the last hummus at the grocery store?

Me: Yes, but what’s the point! They eventually gave me the hummus because they felt sorry for me!

Me: There were FOUR DIFFERENT FLAVORS of hummus!

Esther: “That movie character* reminds me of you.”

Me: “Oh really? Why?”

Esther: “Well, she’s really sweet and wise, but she’s also a bit of a spitfire, and her kids are kind of afraid of her.”

Me: (!!!) Huh?!

*Mrs. Weasley in Harry Potter and Edna in The Incredibles

Andy: “You’re so wise. You’re like a female version of Gandalf.”

Me: (!!!)

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8 Funny Things They Said About Love, Homeschooling, And Healthy Food That Will Make You Laugh (At Them)

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

woman in black and white crew neck shirt smiling

We enjoy publishing a letter and sending it to all our friends and family for the Holidays.

In this letter, we tell you some of the embarrassing things they (the other family members and friends) said last year!

(Yes, I take notes on what my friends and family say all year, JUST for this express purpose!)

For some reason, however, not many people talk to me much at the beginning of each year, and they seem a bit sulky. But don’t worry – it doesn’t last long!

I’m glad that YOU like me, at least!

On Love

I was looking at my husband with tears filling my eyes after I opened a glimpse of pain deep within my heart.

Andy looked back at me and . . . smirked (!)

Me: “Why are you smirking!?”

Andy: “I think you’re just PMS-ing.”

Andy laughs.

I realize he’s probably right and think, “You know you’ve been married a long time when…”

While driving to the ski hill:

Me to Andy: “Why don’t we drop off our ski boots first this time and then…” etc.

Andy: “But I always do it the same way!”

I thought, “Well, I guess that topic has now been exhausted for all time!”

I can sense a compliment coming. I wait in eager anticipation:

Andy: “Thank you for being so… nice.”

Me: (!!!)

On Homeschooling

The perils of playing board games with homeschooled kids:

I borrowed a board game from the library based on the movie “Dune.” We recently watched the movie together as a family.

Kyah: “I can’t play that board game!” she announced, frustrated.

Me: “Why?”

Kyah: “I haven’t finished reading the book yet!”

Me: “Maybe you want to play squash with me sometime, Kyah?”

Kyah: “Well, I don’t know. I’m pretty aggressive…” (Even though the wind blows her over sometimes)

Kyah continued, “And I also have martial arts, so I’m pretty busy…”

Kyah: “But I love you so… Yeah, sure.”

On Choosing Healthy Food

Andy called me when he was out buying groceries from the list I wrote for him:

Andy: “So when it says, ‘soy sauce,’ do you mean… ?” He lists 10 related items and brands.

Me: “No, when I say ‘soy sauce,’ I mean the stuff that isn’t actually soy sauce. It says ‘liquid aminos’ or something like that on the bottle.”

Andy: “Oh, ok.”

Andy: “When it says ‘noodles- mushroom’, what kind of noodles are those?”

Me: “Those are the ones that aren’t actually noodles. They just look like noodles. They’re long and thin. They’re in the mushroom section. I don’t know what they’re called.”

Etc.

Etc.

Me: “I feel better because I fasted and prayed today. It gives me hope.”

Andy: “I didn’t fast, but I did have a chicken salad sandwich from X restaurant today, so . . . that probably counts.”

Me: (?) “And why is that?”

Andy: “Because it’s not very good! I didn’t have lunch from Y restaurant!”

So, “fasting” for Andy means eating out at a lower-star-eating establishment. Well, we all start somewhere!

I offered our friend a chocolate chip cookie. She excitedly stretched out her hand to take one, but then a look of horror came over her face, and her hand hovered above the plate mid-air.

She asked with increasing trepidation, “Wait. These don’t have black beans or something like that in them again, do they?!”

Happy New Year, friends.

(May you laugh much at your ridiculousness in the coming year, too!)

God will let you laugh again

The Message

Oh, and remember!

The next time you say something stupid (i.e., today?), don’t forget to send it to me so we can laugh at you, too, next January!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

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How To Actually Find Yourself! (Can We Start With Me?)

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment
woman in black jacket holding black smartphone
Photo by Nico Smit on Unsplash

So how do we find ourselves?

We write some stuff, publish it online, and then ask THEM who we are!

What people somehow (inadvertently, I’m sure) forgot to mention when we were children was that we need to make messes in order to find out who we are and why we are here – and, by extension, what we’re supposed to be writing.

Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird

For example, I’ve been trying to figure out why people are reading this Substack for a while, and despite my careful research, I haven’t thought up any reasons!

(You already know why I like you.)

And since we’re talking about defining ourselves by how many people on the internet like us, can you please complete this (quick) survey to help me determine why you like me?

Do you subscribe/read these posts because:

  1. I am cool? I.e., You like the funny posts?
  2. You need me to tell you how to homeschool? I.e., You like the homeschooling posts?
  3. You want to grow spiritually and haven’t had time to find someone who actually knows what they are talking about? I.e., You like the spiritually-themed posts?
  4. You want to eat healthier? I.e., You are looking for healthy food inspiration?
  5. You want to be smacked upside the head for being a self-centered jerk? I.e., You like the posts about living sustainably?
  6. Your ego is also so huge that you think you can save the world, too? I.e., you like the posts about climate?
  7. Other reasons? I.e., WHAT kind of future content are you hoping for? Please let me know in the comments below!

(I’m writing for you, actually, even though I pretend I’m not. Don’t tell my ego. And I DO want to help you find a cup of cold water or to share whatever lint or whatever else I can find here in my pocket if you want it.)

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

What Happens When They HAVE To Love Us? We Relax And Have More Fun!

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Halloween is around the corner, so I thought I’d post about the last time I dressed up.

No, it wasn’t Halloween then or a holiday of any kind. Why do you ask? But this got me thinking:

What if people HAD to love us (no matter what we wore or how silly we acted)?

The good news is that depending on what your friends and family believe, they do!

For example, we homeschool our kids, so we read to them from books that say things like this:

Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it.

The Message

Then, we go to a church where they read the same stuff.

At church, they HAVE to love us, too! If we find people who don’t love us there, we can find some others to love. We’ll all find true followers of Jesus who promise to love us no matter what our personality – even the “unusual” ones – whew!

So we can finally relax and have fun.

We’re loved!

This is good news for me in particular because I figured out what my family REALLY thought about me lately, and it was a bit of a shock.

Here’s what happened.

We were reading an excellent book together as a family.

Caveat: Before you get the wrong idea of us all drinking hot chocolate and stringing popcorn and cranberries by the fire as we each take turns reading aloud together, singing a song between each chapter, aka Little House on the Prairie style, no, it wasn’t like that. It was an audiobook played in the car during our day-long drive to visit extended family. The book just helped us not to want to kill each other.

Setting the mood.

Anyway, the book was excellent. It was called Jesus Revolution. I would highly recommend it*. We all got into the story, and even the child we initially had to bribe to listen to the story with us asked for more!

At one point in the book, the author, Greg Laurie, is described as having something like “deep spiritual depth and a bit of an unpredictable, crazy personality. You never knew what he was going to do next.”

My husband looked at me sneakily out of the corner of his eye, smirking. “WHAT???” I asked. “What are you smirking about??”

“Oh,” he replied, looking away casually, “just something said in the book.”

“What??” I protested. “I’m not…!” And then he laughed, and there was a muffled chuckle, I think, from the back seats.

So I guess my family thinks that his personality describes me!

And this reminds me of what we did last night! I bought a gift for my family – well, sort of. Okay, yes! I did buy it for myself and pretended to give it to the family!

It is called The Adventure Challenge. You scratch off an “Adventure,” and then the family HAS (Yes, teens, that word is “HAS”) to do the Adventure together. Last night, we strung out yarn as an obstacle course through the basement, and we had to go through it as fast as we could, being sprayed in the face with water each time we accidentally touched a string.

It was fun.

And my superhero outfit? Yeah, I am wearing a bathing suit over the top of my leotards. And yes, the big “S” on my shirt WAS made a spur of the moment. It helped me go faster!

I even got first place!

(Before any of the others went, I was ranked first, that is.)

So relax! Make your teens do fun and crazy stuff with you! If you’re unsure how, try making “fun” a prerequisite to “food,” for example! They’ll thank you later! (When they’re old they may thank you – At least that’s what happened to us!)

Your kids are loved, too!

And that was the message of the Jesus Revolution book, actually. It was about a bunch of crazy hippy kids who were overcome, in some cases literally, by the love of God. That love overflowed to others and transformed a nation (Even Time Magazine did a cover article about this movement on June 21, 1971).

So go ahead and be the real you, whatever that looks like.

And then, after you’ve let your stomach fat and the rest of the real you out a little bit, if you’re desperately looking for a way to improve your self-esteem, spend a few more minutes with the kind of people who believe they HAVE to love you!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Footnotes

*If bribing your kids to watch a movie with you is less expensive than bribing them to read a book with you, the movie Jesus Revolution can be rented here.

The Best Solutions Suddenly Materialize When We Embrace Our Inner Loser!

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

The problem I couldn’t solve in that season was, “How do I, a VERY busy, mentally fragile (We’re around kids a LOT) homeschooling parent, find time to exercise?”

I did, eventually, find a solution to this problem by embracing my inner loser. I hope this problem-solving method helps you find solutions to your biggest problems, too! Here’s what happened, which is a continuation of this post.

And yes, I realize this last post was useless without an explanation, which I didn’t have time to provide.

Now, where was I? Ah yes. Smelling kid’s butts. After the low of us parents becoming butt-sniffers, we hit an even lower low several months later.

Butt-sniffing became our accidental family culture.

Our two-year-old, who loved to mimic our behaviour, stopped next to me as I sat on an office stool and then had a sniff before she carried on with her other little tasks. I looked at her, startled and then smiled lamely at my husband.

How did we become THAT family?*

The point is, as discussed last time, the person we become is not always the person we aspire to be.

Not only did I find it convenient to assume the identity of a butt-sniffing parent, but I also found it convenient to shirk the identity of a homeschooling parent who has all of her ducks in a row.

Which brings me, finally, to embracing our inner loser so we can become a homeschool parent who exercises.

Before I started on this homeschooling journey, I, like you if you homeschool, envisioned myself as a particular type of homeschooling parent. This is not the parent I eventually became. I’m okay with that now.

But the shaky ground of this identity incongruence was a roller coaster ride.

I envisioned myself nicely coifed and looking like my favourite public school teacher in Grade Three, Mrs. Chamberlain. Instead, I very quickly became that parent still wearing a house coat and curlers in my hair at 11:00 am, downing my fourth coffee, and trying to find the kids so I could corral them inside. We began the day with our “Homeschool Morning Routine”, which, for us was trying to find our books or pencils strewn around the house and yard the day before.

A new problem also emerged: I knew my inconvenient, neglected body needed to start exercising again.

I couldn’t even figure out how to encourage, bribe or command my children to put the milk away after they finished breakfast (In fact, I still haven’t figured that out with one of my teenagers). How would I keep these little ones on their homeschooling tasks while I left their side to exercise?

The feat seemed impossible.

Until my new identity as an incompetent homeschooling parent thought up a solution.

Realizing I was – ahem- a BIT of a (whisper) homeschooling loser, once I stopped trying so hard to be an exercise enthusiast, and embraced mediocrity, the solution to my problem was obvious!

I’ll tell you specifically what that is next time.**

The point is, let’s embrace our inner incompetence!

Perhaps the solutions to your problems can be found there, too!

Since we’ve . . . proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God . . . got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.

The Message

Once we accept our identities as people who are incompetent in so many ways, life suddenly gets much more manageable!

Time to stop trying so hard and embrace your inner loser, too?

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Blogpost Footnotes

*See this post for a perfectly reasonable answer, thank you very much, okay?!

**Ah! I forgot to say something useful again!

Destroy People’s Self Esteem To Help Them Feel Better (Eventually) In These 3 Ways

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

“Wait, what are you doing right now?” he asked me.

I was melodramatically pretending to cry as the youth left the party.

“Oh, I’m just pretending I’m sad to see him leave,” I explained. “I made fun of him a lot tonight, and so now I’m building up his self-esteem.” The youth listened, mouth agape, staring at me.

As I’ve said before, my magnetism to youth is remarkable.

But unfortunately, we’re not supposed to make fun of millennials anymore. In fact, we’re not supposed to make fun of anyone anymore. So, at the next party, I tried to conform. 

I stuffed snack after snack into my mouth in an effort not to speak.

The problem is that if we really want to do this self-esteem thing right, we shouldn’t say anything true at all. Millennials, for example, have self-esteem that is 1/4 inch thick. If we accidentally blow the truth in their vicinity, they cry or get upset. “How dare you assault me with the truth?” they retort. “Don’t you know I’m sensitive?”

And so we apologize and cower to the needs of their egos.

“You’re doing great!” we assert, every time they look up from their iPhones or get out of bed.

“I can see you are trying to do some math! You get a star!”

“You ran in a race that you didn’t even train for? You get a medal! Everyone gets a medal!”

And with all of this self-esteem and encouragement, and “Well done!” floating around, you’d think our youth would be boyoed up by all this praise and floating happily on their circumstances in life.

Of course, we all know that youth depression and mental illness are at an all-time high.

So why not try another approach?

What if we tell everyone they’re losers?

It’s counterintuitive (like all my best advice), but we can finally let our stomach fat out and relax! We can stop pretending to be someone we’re not. We can get on with enjoying the party games, popcorn and time together.

“What are you talking about?” you ask.

Well, if we could relax and let our kids relax, I think we’d have a lot more fun. We don’t have to, in fact, shield our kids from the fact that they’re messed up and that we are, too. There is surprising freedom in realizing that we are all losers.

If we are at the bottom of the pit, there’s nowhere to go but up!

Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. 

The Message

Hope abounds because things can only get better!

Once we stop showering accolades on each other, and accept that we are all dorks, lost on the ship we call life, the adventure can begin!

Anyone around here seen a Captain? We could certainly use some help getting cleaned up a bit, and figuring out how to work together to get all of our oars on this boat pulling in the same direction.

And so, how do we feel better? 

1. We realize we are a directionless loser.

2. We find someone to help clean us up a bit.

3. We follow this person and therefore, all grow together in the same direction.

He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.

The Message

And life gets a little easier!

Spiritual people, for example, those who know that they are losers because they desperately need someone to clean them up, lead them and help them all row in a similar direction, tend to struggle a bit less frequently with their mental health.*

So stop building up people’s self-esteem! Trash them instead, knowing that this is the best way to build them up! They’ll (eventually) feel better!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Blogpost Footnotes

*Of course, many people within the church struggle with mental health, and research is based on averages.

Authentic Fruit Is What Happens When Parents Pour Into Kids, Creating Spiritual Desperation

/ Lori Lawe / Leave a comment

After gabbing it up with my teenage daughter as they waited in line that day, the stranger grabbed my arm and whispered, “You did a great job with her. She is so kind. Well done, Mama.”

After I picked my ego up off the floor, where it has been the last two decades, trampled by societal expectations for a productive life (Hint – Homeschooling is not a candidate in this employment contest), I pinned my self-esteem back onto my chest, and thought, “Yes! You are right! She IS amazing!”

But the thing is, she didn’t come out of the womb this way

Even after 10,893,231 conversations in which I turned blue in the face and explained how to fit into society (i.e. NOT by wearing pasta in our hair when in a restaurant), she STILL wasn’t that easy to be around.

The POINT is that homeschooled kids are often well-adjusted because:

(1) Parents KNOW what is going on, in terms of that naughty behaviour we would rather not deal with, but that we have to address because we are spending 10,000 minutes (almost all the time) with them again this week,

(2) Parents can’t ship them off on a bus every morning, even BECAUSE they know what is going on (They would say “Thank God” if they would go on a bus SOMETIMES), and,

(3) Parents are confronted day after day, hour after hour, minute after long minute some days with the FACT that they are spending INORDINATE amounts of time with unsanctified humans.

Worse, parents are confronted with the reality of OUR need for sanctification, and this is humiliating for us. So, we run to God and beg for help on our knees BECAUSE we are ALL such desperate losers. But the sweat and tears of our prayers eventually sanctify our kids BECAUSE they receive this message of grace through our lives, as God sanctifies us.

Translation: We ADMIT we parents are losers, and then we gently reveal the truth to our child that she, too, did the wrong thing again when she smacked that kid on the head with her firetruck because she wanted HIS cupcake too.

But this grace in our lives, this deep understanding of our need for forgiveness, softens our speech a little.

do not provoke your children . . . by the way you treat them

Ancient Text

And this broccoli seasoned with the melted cheese of our own desperate need for forgiveness becomes a food our kids can swallow.

And we both grow a little more today, our plant’s roots grasping a little more of the water that truly satisfies, and so fruit in our lives and our kid’s lives will begin to grow.

It’s a law of nature.

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit.

The Message

And when they compliment you again for having kind kids?

You can sit back, relax, take a sip of a cold summer drink and know that the path of life you chose was a good one, which is bearing fruit in your life, too.

Pick some fruit from the tree of your life and enjoy it today.

Well done, Mom and Dad.

God sees your investment in your kids. His praise that you followed His lead is the food that truly satisfies. Nothing good comes without sweat and handing over our fears to God.

How are you choosing to invest your life?