In the springtime of life, [people] dream, speak, write and sing of love – of love’s gracious birth and beautiful youth. But it is not in the springtime of life that love’s deepest depths can be fathomed, its vastness measured, and its endurance tested. There is a love which surmounts all trials and discipline, all the petty vexations and worries . . .
Josephine Butler in When Courage Calls by Sarah C. Williams
And in this article, I will teach you how to gather power for later use!
Thanks for liking me! I like you too! Let’s journey together!
As background, our friends were praying for us over our marriage recently. Yes! We have great friends!
If you come to church, the Pastor may ask your friends to pray for your marriage, too, and that’s one of the many benefits of a church community!
My purpose in writing is simply this: . . . how bold and free we then become in his presence, freely asking according to his will, sure that he’s listening.
On reflection, that MIGHT be ANOTHER reason why we are happily married – because we and others pray for our marriage and also work on learning about marriage? We are also going through this book with our spouses and talking about what we are learning with some friends. That kind of prayer and learning stuff can’t hurt, I suppose, but I have my own advice to share with you today!
Anyway, one friend said (to me!) during this time of prayer for our marriage to, “Think of kind little things to do for each other” (!) Why did she have to say that to ME? Of course, I already know this stuff!
To clarify, thinking of small1 acts of service to do for others might not be what I’m naturally good at, but we’re all good at SOMETHING, right?
As proof that I know EXACTLY how to do little kind things for my spouse- THANK YOU VERY MUCH! – I have written this list to help you!
How To Do Little Kind Things For Your Spouse (so that the power balance is shifted in your favor):
”Don’t worry,” you can say, gently, as you pat them understandably on the back the next time they make a mistake. “That’s just fine.” But this kindness, understanding and forgiveness is actually storing up extra power in your pocket that you can dole out later, the next time you make a mistake! Try it, friends! It’s helpful to have extra power in your pocket!
Then, the next time they make a mistake, “Forget” that you “forgot” what they did wrong! Then remember in detail his every mistake! The whys of this were explained fully LAST TIME.
Another way to store up power is to do something kind for your spouse when they least expect it. For example, when I had a back injury, my spouse brought me coffee every morning in bed! Of course, I couldn’t get out of bed, but the fact that he brought me coffee in bed was awesome.
And this is another way we can reverse-power grab! Which is when we subtly “hint” at little things they used to do and moan about how much better our lives would be if they would (simply!) do these things again (Every day, for example)! As an example, I’m hoping my husband reads this, and if so, I hope he is “encouraged” to keep doing nice things for me!
Being happily married for 25 years like me can be easy, friend!
We celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary this month. And you know, on reflection, it’s actually easy to be married for 25 years! The trick is to understand power.
The power must stay balanced.
Thank you for liking me! I like you too! Let’s journey together!
For example, you’ll want to reserve some power for later, when you make the inevitable mistakes all of us tend to make. It’s handy to have some extra power in your pocket for moments like these. This is so you have the upper hand and can wield some power, so you don’t have to spend quite as long in the slumps or groveling.
So, for example, for our 25th wedding anniversary dinner, I brought a small surprise present for my husband.
This is a perfect way to gather little memories to cherish forever! And also, this is a perfect opportunity for you to put some extra power into your pocket! Here’s how to store up power, using this ACTUAL example1 from my own life!
I gave a small, surprise present to my spouse in FRONT OF my spouse’s friends at our anniversary celebration dinner without telling him first that I was going to do this!
I also gave this present on a day that wasn’t our actual anniversary (To reduce the risk of him giving me a present! See the no-fail beauty in this advice?)
He (therefore) didn’t know I was going to give him a present or that I’m doing this so all of our friends will assume (of course!) what a great spouse I am and what a terrible spouse my husband is!
It’s moments like these that help you keep power in your pocket so that you can dole it out later when necessary, friends!
When You Need A Little Extra Power:
For example, that morning I drank all the cream for our morning coffees because I didn’t feel like sharing the last little bit, my husband COULD be mad at me for that, but THANKFULLY I had a little extra power in my pocket saved up. It was wrong of me to drink ALL the remaining coffee cream2 but thankfully, I had a bit of extra power in my pocket, from remembering in detail the last mistake he made, from times that I had stored it up for occasions just such as this! And voila!
The power balance is restored.
Love . . . doesn’t keep score of the sins of others
Caveat: I find that the source for this quote isn’t ALWAYS completely helpful in proving my point of view, as noted above, though it does have many useful bits that help me see the world in ways that align with how I see things! The rest of this chapter of this ancient text says a LOT about loving well, but I, for one, always find the rest of the chapter completely confusing! Well, “Learn what you can where you can!” as I always say!
The summary of this helpful advice is really CYA.
CYA is an acronym that stands for “Cover Your…” I dunno. I think it’s “Arsenal.” I can’t remember the last word of that acronym.
In CYA, you want to build up protection, cover your troops and have enough arsenal in your pockets and at your disposal for your next battle.
But you see, friends? With helpful strategies such as these, it’s easy! Being married for 25 years is a snap!
For more helpful advice, check out additional marriage advice HERE, HERE and more coming as we enter our 26th year.
You’re welcome, everyone!
Good luck!
Thank you for liking me! I like you too! Let’s journey together!
Photo Credits: US! by A Friend, A Kind And Considerate Present! by Me, And “US” In Another 25 Years! by Godz1 on Unsplash
We enjoy publishing a letter and sending it to all our friends and family for the Holidays.
In this letter, we tell you some of the embarrassing things they (the other family members and friends) said last year!
(Yes, I take notes on what my friends and family say all year, JUST for this express purpose!)
For some reason, however, not many people talk to me much at the beginning of each year, and they seem a bit sulky. But don’t worry – it doesn’t last long!
I was looking at my husband with tears filling my eyes after I opened a glimpse of pain deep within my heart.
Andy looked back at me and . . . smirked (!)
Me: “Why are you smirking!?”
Andy: “I think you’re just PMS-ing.”
Andy laughs.
I realize he’s probably right and think, “You know you’ve been married a long time when…”
While driving to the ski hill:
Me to Andy: “Why don’t we drop off our ski boots first this time and then…” etc.
Andy: “But I always do it the same way!”
I thought, “Well, I guess that topic has now been exhausted for all time!”
I can sense a compliment coming. I wait in eager anticipation:
Andy: “Thank you for being so… nice.”
Me: (!!!)
On Homeschooling
The perils of playing board games with homeschooled kids:
I borrowed a board game from the library based on the movie “Dune.” We recently watched the movie together as a family.
Kyah: “I can’t play that board game!” she announced, frustrated.
Me: “Why?”
Kyah: “I haven’t finished reading the book yet!”
Me: “Maybe you want to play squash with me sometime, Kyah?”
Kyah: “Well, I don’t know. I’m pretty aggressive…” (Even though the wind blows her over sometimes)
Kyah continued, “And I also have martial arts, so I’m pretty busy…”
Kyah: “But I love you so… Yeah, sure.”
On Choosing Healthy Food
Andy called me when he was out buying groceries from the list I wrote for him:
Andy: “So when it says, ‘soy sauce,’ do you mean… ?” He lists 10 related items and brands.
Me: “No, when I say ‘soy sauce,’ I mean the stuff that isn’t actually soy sauce. It says ‘liquid aminos’ or something like that on the bottle.”
Andy: “Oh, ok.”
Andy: “When it says ‘noodles- mushroom’, what kind of noodles are those?”
Me: “Those are the ones that aren’t actually noodles. They just look like noodles. They’re long and thin. They’re in the mushroom section. I don’t know what they’re called.”
Etc.
Etc.
Me: “I feel better because I fasted and prayed today. It gives me hope.”
Andy: “I didn’t fast, but I did have a chicken salad sandwich from X restaurant today, so . . . that probably counts.”
Me: (?) “And why is that?”
Andy: “Because it’s not very good! I didn’t have lunch from Y restaurant!”
So, “fasting” for Andy means eating out at a lower-star-eating establishment. Well, we all start somewhere!
I offered our friend a chocolate chip cookie. She excitedly stretched out her hand to take one, but then a look of horror came over her face, and her hand hovered above the plate mid-air.
She asked with increasing trepidation, “Wait. These don’t have black beans or something like that in them again, do they?!”
Happy New Year, friends.
(May you laugh much at your ridiculousness in the coming year, too!)
And this is how we know we have significant lives!
For example, in the book Deep Work, Cal Newport says that social media is popular because we agree to certain codes of conduct with our friends that make us feel important! For example, we agree to like every inane and boring comment that our list of friends says, as long as they obey the unwritten rule to also like our inane, superficial and uninteresting comments.
Cal Newport states that if we wrote the comments on a blog that we write on social media, we would have precisely 0 readers.
In contrast, people read this blog! Last week, I learned that people from 24 countries have read this blog (Seriously!). Why this level of success, you ask?
1. One reason could be that I constantly write incredibly jaw-dropping, interesting facts. However, we all know that you laugh at me whenever I say something particularly insightful, so saying interesting things can’t be why you read this blog.
3. I am finding my inner cool. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am cool quite yet, but perhaps that is a matter of opinion.
I prefer to assume it’s Option 3.
So yes, how do we find our inner cool? Good question. This way:
1. Think of things that cool people do!
2. Do those things.
3. Wait to be covered in cool, too!
Here’s an example from my own life recently.
1. Cool people surf.
2. So I tried surfing for the first time last week!
3. Now I’m waiting for the cool to glom itself onto me.
That hasn’t entirely seemed to happen yet. And in the photo above, for some reason, I don’t look quite as cool as those cool super dudes, but that must be the camera angle or something.
We drove to a surfing location recently, and I will have my first ocean surfing lesson soon. Wish me luck! I’ll let you know what I learn to share my insights into being cool with you!
I’m not sure exactly why, but I sense God hinting that this ancient verse below fits perfectly with today’s theme.
The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don’t fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do.
My husband said that being cool is overrated. But since he’s married to me, obviously, being cool is a big part of our image! How is it possible he has never noticed that before?!
“Wait, what are you doing right now?” he asked me.
I was melodramatically pretending to cry as the youth left the party.
“Oh, I’m just pretending I’m sad to see him leave,” I explained. “I made fun of him a lot tonight, and so now I’m building up his self-esteem.” The youth listened, mouth agape, staring at me.
As I’ve said before, my magnetism to youth is remarkable.
But unfortunately, we’re not supposed to make fun of millennials anymore. In fact, we’re not supposed to make fun of anyone anymore. So, at the next party, I tried to conform.
I stuffed snack after snack into my mouth in an effort not to speak.
The problem is that if we really want to do this self-esteem thing right, we shouldn’t say anything true at all. Millennials, for example, have self-esteem that is 1/4 inch thick. If we accidentally blow the truth in their vicinity, they cry or get upset. “How dare you assault me with the truth?” they retort. “Don’t you know I’m sensitive?”
And so we apologize and cower to the needs of their egos.
“You’re doing great!” we assert, every time they look up from their iPhones or get out of bed.
“I can see you are trying to do some math! You get a star!”
“You ran in a race that you didn’t even train for? You get a medal! Everyone gets a medal!”
And with all of this self-esteem and encouragement, and “Well done!” floating around, you’d think our youth would be boyoed up by all this praise and floating happily on their circumstances in life.
Of course, we all know that youth depression and mental illness are at an all-time high.
So why not try another approach?
What if we tell everyone they’re losers?
It’s counterintuitive (like all my best advice), but we can finally let our stomach fat out and relax! We can stop pretending to be someone we’re not. We can get on with enjoying the party games, popcorn and time together.
“What are you talking about?” you ask.
Well, if we could relax and let our kids relax, I think we’d have a lot more fun. We don’t have to, in fact, shield our kids from the fact that they’re messed up and that we are, too. There is surprising freedom in realizing that we are all losers.
Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us.
Once we stop showering accolades on each other, and accept that we are all dorks, lost on the ship we call life, the adventure can begin!
Anyone around here seen a Captain? We could certainly use some help getting cleaned up a bit, and figuring out how to work together to get all of our oars on this boat pulling in the same direction.
And so, how do we feel better?
1. We realize we are a directionless loser.
2. We find someone to help clean us up a bit.
3. We follow this person and therefore, all grow together in the same direction.
He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.
When we were five years old, we thought everyone was laughing AT us until we suddenly realized they were laughing WITH us.
Remember that?
Well, that happened to me recently. I’m unsure which side of the laughing AT me/ laughing WITH me continuum I ended up on. But at least my rear end isn’t THAT sore from the fall.
This story starts, like all good narratives, with dog barf.
So after the dog… ahem… expelled his undesirable digestive remains (well said?) . . . we looked around at each other, wondering what to do next. We were enjoying heartfelt gut-level sharing. I guess the dog wanted to join in in his own way.
We only had a few minutes left together and desperately needed time to pray together, to invite God into the messes of our lives that had been unearthed.
Thinking that we won’t have time to pray, I fetched paper towels to clean up the mess the dog had unearthed. Someone pleaded with me to stay. “Let’s pray together while we have time,” he said.
At another’s brilliant suggestion, I quickly covered the dog’s mess with paper towels, and we stood in a circle, sharing hearts, tears and compassion.
“Don’t step in the dog barf on your way out!” I called cheerfully.
They genuinely thanked me for the reminder, side-stepped the soaked paper towels, and left with a wave and a smile.
Years later, our dear friends complimented us about that meeting.
“Recently, we were learning about the levels of friendship,” they explained. “There are friends that you dress up for. You wear a corset under your sparkling dress to ensure you look as good as possible. You enjoy an evening with them and then put your feet up. Your stomach fat and your real selves come out later.”
Who needs another “See how great I look when I suck in my stomach” kind of friend?
“Then,” she continued, “you have the friends who invite you onto their couch when you are crying and simply move the laundry hamper to the floor so there is room for you to sit down. These are true friends.“
I teared up at her warm assessment of our friendship.
I was about to hug her, but she was still speaking.
“And you guys took it to a whole new level. We come over, and you just suggest walking around the dog barf”. The others in the room stared at us, mouths agape, not wanting to ask for elaboration. I didn’t blame them.
But yes, a compliment . . . right???
And so the secret to a healthy relationship? Get real. We get real because we want to be authentic.
1. Authentic in how we REALLY look. For example, we don’t use the “Make me look better than in real life” filters on our Zoom meetings. (Have you SEEN that function? It’s AMAZING! I WANT to turn that filter off but wow! Do I EVER look better!) Give me a break! We are all a work in progress, ok?!
2. Authentic in how we REALLY feel. For example, maybe we ask our friends to clean up the dog barf later. What we just unearthed emotionally or spiritually is a lot viler and should take precedence.
3. Authentic in our RESPONSE to our friends. We are humans clothed in the limits of time. We can clean up the dog’s barf or clean up you. Which do you prefer?
So, let’s get real.
And if that sometimes means standing around dog barf, so be it.
As a dog eats its own vomit, so fools recycle silliness.
This saying doesn’t quite fit this post, but it perfectly fits in another, less profound way. Let’s go with a partial fit today and move on. There is someone at my door ready for a cry.
Lord, teach us to order our values to reflect your heart more accurately. After a moment of stillness, consider asking God where your life may not be aligned with the upside-down priorities of the kingdom of God. Maybe He is asking you to stand around the dog barf, too!
After gabbing it up with my teenage daughter as they waited in line that day, the stranger grabbed my arm and whispered, “You did a great job with her. She is so kind. Well done, Mama.”
After I picked my ego up off the floor, where it has been the last two decades, trampled by societal expectations for a productive life (Hint – Homeschooling is not a candidate in this employment contest), I pinned my self-esteem back onto my chest, and thought, “Yes! You are right! She IS amazing!”
Even after 10,893,231 conversations in which I turned blue in the face and explained how to fit into society (i.e. NOT by wearing pasta in our hair when in a restaurant), she STILL wasn’t that easy to be around.
The POINT is that homeschooled kids are often well-adjusted because:
(1) Parents KNOW what is going on, in terms of that naughty behaviour we would rather not deal with, but that we have to address because we are spending 10,000 minutes (almost all the time) with them again this week,
(2) Parents can’t ship them off on a bus every morning, even BECAUSE they know what is going on (They would say “Thank God” if they would go on a bus SOMETIMES), and,
(3) Parents are confronted day after day, hour after hour, minute after long minute some days with the FACT that they are spending INORDINATE amounts of time with unsanctified humans.
Worse, parents are confronted with the reality of OUR need for sanctification, and this is humiliating for us. So, we run to God and beg for help on our knees BECAUSE we are ALL such desperate losers. But the sweat and tears of our prayers eventually sanctify our kids BECAUSE they receive this message of grace through our lives, as God sanctifies us.
Translation:We ADMIT we parents are losers, and then we gently reveal the truth to our child that she, too, did the wrong thing again when she smacked that kid on the head with her firetruck because she wanted HIS cupcake too.
But this grace in our lives, this deep understanding of our need for forgiveness, softens our speech a little.
do not provoke your children . . . by the way you treat them
Pick some fruit from the tree of your life and enjoy it today.
Well done, Mom and Dad.
God sees your investment in your kids. His praise that you followed His lead is the food that truly satisfies. Nothing good comes without sweat and handing over our fears to God.
I figured out what my family REALLY thought about me lately, and it was a bit of a shock.
Here’s what happened.
We were reading an excellent book together as a family.
Caveat: Before you get the wrong idea of us all drinking hot chocolate and stringing popcorn and cranberries by the fire as we each take turns reading aloud together, singing a song between each chapter, aka Little House on the Prairie style, no, it wasn’t like that. It was an audiobook played in the car during our day-long drive to visit extended family. The book just helped us not to want to kill each other.
Setting the mood.
Anyway, the book was excellent. It was called Jesus Revolution. I would highly recommend it*. We all got into the story, and even the child we initially had to bribe to listen to the story with us asked for more!
At one point in the book, the author, Greg Laurie, is described as having something like “deep spiritual depth and a bit of an unpredictable, crazy personality. You never knew what he was going to do next.”
My husband looked at me sneakily out of the corner of his eye, smirking. “WHAT???” I asked. “What are you smirking about??”
“Oh,” he replied, looking away casually, “just something said in the book.”
“What??” I protested. “I’m not…!” And then he laughed, and there was a muffled chuckle, I think, from the back seats.
So I guess my family thinks that his personality describes me!
Hmmm. . .
But that’s okay because my family HAS to love me.
What do I mean, you ask?
Well, we homeschool them, so we read to them from books that say things like this:
Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it.
Then, we go to a church where they read the same stuff.
At church, they HAVE to love you, too! If you find people who don’t love you there, find some others to love. You’ll find true believers who promise to love you no matter what your personality – even the “unusual” ones – whew!
So we can finally relax and have fun.
We’re loved!
And this reminds me of what we did last night. I bought a gift for my family – well, sort of. Okay, yes! I did buy it for myself and pretended to give it to the family!
It is called The Adventure Challenge. You scratch off an “Adventure,” and then the family HAS (Yes, teens, that word is “HAS”) to do the Adventure together. Last night, we strung out yarn as an obstacle course through the basement, and we had to go through it as fast as we could, being sprayed in the face with water each time we accidentally touched a string.
It was fun.
And my superhero outfit? Yeah, I am wearing a bathing suit over the top of my leotards. And yes, the big “S” on my shirt WAS made a spur of the moment. It helped me go faster!
I even got first place!
Before any of the others went, I was ranked first, that is.
So relax! Make your teens do fun and crazy stuff with you! If you’re unsure how, try making “fun” a prerequisite to “food,” for example! They’ll thank you later (Okay – maybe MUCH later).
Your kids are loved, too!
And that was the message of the Jesus Revolution book, actually. It was about a bunch of crazy hippy kids who were overcome, in some cases literally, by the love of God. That love overflowed to others and transformed a nation (Even Time Magazine did a cover article about this movement on June 21, 1971).
Restoring Life 