Pull up a chair and laugh WITH (Wait – AT?!) us, friend!
As clearly and thoroughly elaborated in THIS ARTICLE, I require an EXCESSIVE amount of time this holiday season skiing and soaking in a hot tub.
However, given that some of you in the over fifty countries1 who read this drivel (no-STUFF!) can barely function without my constant wisdom flooding your inbox, I will be posting some of our previous Christmas letters here to help you through this season with adequate wisdom and insight to complete the bare minimum of your Christmas activities.
You’re welcome!
Good luck!
We enjoy publishing a letter and sending it to all our friends and family for the Holidays.
Earlier this week, I offered some excellent1 marriage advice on how to laugh together (at others)! Here’s some more unsolicited marriage advice! You’re welcome! Good luck!
We were preparing our family to go skiing for the first time this year.
Part 1 – A story (about ME!!!) – Written by my daughter, Esther!
Part 2 – An explanation (also by ME!) of why I randomly thought of porcupines after reading this!
Additional profound extrapolations of the text (by ME! – Of course!) are in the footnotes!
You’re welcome!
Good luck!
Part 1: Story by Esther
Sparse and invisible rain floats gently from the sky, sometimes merging on the skin or the pavement as several droplets.
The speckled street gives way to the cars that cruise amiably down it.
There is no rush in this town; there is a sense of welcome and leisure despite busy schedules and people filled with excitement for the day. Everyone knows everyone else by name, and even if one wanted to stay anonymous, one could not. The small businesses are like people; each one has their personality.
Or perhaps it is due to the lack of stores that each of them stands out all the more brightly.
One couple meanders down the street, hand in hand.
He is tall and strong, but his face radiates gentleness, and his laughter shows not only on his face but also in his eyes. The woman1 mirrors many of the same features, but her eyes gleam with a fire of intensity not commonly found. Despite this, her kindness (See Footnote 1) is evident in the smile lines around her mouth and her loving (See Footnote 1) eyes.
Woe unto the person who stumbles across the man’s path while he is hungry.
And woe unto the person who stumbles across the woman’s path when the woman is tired.2 Yet, they grow together. They challenge each other. They fight the battles of life together, side by side. They complement each other (See Footnote 1) with a bond made one of the strongest in the world.
The couple passes by the library, a place steeped in magic.
It is a chest that holds the secrets of life and beauty, and its key is given generously, though not many take it. Those who deem it ridiculous are those who refuse the key, but to the one who graciously takes it, wonders are in store. The couple’s two children are currently there, for the couple sees their melancholy dog sitting patiently outside, waiting for someone to pet him. He gets up and furiously wags his tail, assured that this means he is finally going home. After reassuring the dog that they would be back soon and trying to ignore the forsaken and betrayed look in his eyes, the couple wanders up the steps and into the library.
There they find a friend and exchange greetings. The man is asked about his work. His hands, though gentle and unassuming, have ministered to and helped thousands, but by his humble3 nature, he never boasts.
His wife, who stands beside him, is just as accomplished (See Footnote 1), with a heart for the betterment of people’s lives (See Footnote 1) and a passion for the preservation of the planet (See Footnote 1).
She sacrificed her career (See Footnote 1) for her children’s careers, homeschooling and helping them find what interests and motivates them. Sometimes, they drive her crazy. Well, maybe it’s a lot of the time. And sometimes she drives them crazy, too (See Footnote 2). Perhaps it is God growing everyone’s patience4.
The family checks out their stacks of literature and heads to the car, picking up the relieved5 dog on the way. The car slowly pulls out and heads leisurely home. There’s no rush. Or, maybe there is because now the man is hungry.
Part 2: Random Thoughts Including: Porcupine Quills Can Eventually Bring Joy! by Me
I think of porcupines who quill each other when I think of this story. For example, I am mad at my daughter for writing things that are BLATANT lies about me and that don’t make me look as stupendous as I know I am deep down! Anyway, we (for example – HER) each come with our own set of quills, like porcupines, and we accidentally and purposefully (sometimes) quill each other and even ourselves. I.e., Remember when “the man” in the story above gets hungry? Watch out!
However, being quilled by porcupines (ironically) promotes our healing.
Why?
Because in our inevitable relational pain (that THEY cause), we finally draw near to God, who has been calling out and wooing us our entire lives.
And so, as we bring our faces full of another’s (and our own?) quills, God can use this situation to heal US, as He lovingly tends to each quill, sometimes removing it immediately and sometimes giving us healing oil and the strength to persevere.
1 Author of this blog’s note – This is ME! She is talking about ME in this story! That’s how you know I’m famous and important, by the way!!!
2 WAIT – WHA…? I thought she only said NICE stuff about me in public! I’m going to ground her to her room for a month! But wait – she’s flying back to her job and University tomorrow!
We enjoy publishing a letter and sending it to all our friends and family for the Holidays.
In this letter, we tell you some of the embarrassing things they (the other family members and friends) said last year!
(Yes, I take notes on what my friends and family say all year, JUST for this express purpose!)
For some reason, however, not many people talk to me much at the beginning of each year, and they seem a bit sulky. But don’t worry – it doesn’t last long!
I was looking at my husband with tears filling my eyes after I opened a glimpse of pain deep within my heart.
Andy looked back at me and . . . smirked (!)
Me: “Why are you smirking!?”
Andy: “I think you’re just PMS-ing.”
Andy laughs.
I realize he’s probably right and think, “You know you’ve been married a long time when…”
While driving to the ski hill:
Me to Andy: “Why don’t we drop off our ski boots first this time and then…” etc.
Andy: “But I always do it the same way!”
I thought, “Well, I guess that topic has now been exhausted for all time!”
I can sense a compliment coming. I wait in eager anticipation:
Andy: “Thank you for being so… nice.”
Me: (!!!)
On Homeschooling
The perils of playing board games with homeschooled kids:
I borrowed a board game from the library based on the movie “Dune.” We recently watched the movie together as a family.
Kyah: “I can’t play that board game!” she announced, frustrated.
Me: “Why?”
Kyah: “I haven’t finished reading the book yet!”
Me: “Maybe you want to play squash with me sometime, Kyah?”
Kyah: “Well, I don’t know. I’m pretty aggressive…” (Even though the wind blows her over sometimes)
Kyah continued, “And I also have martial arts, so I’m pretty busy…”
Kyah: “But I love you so… Yeah, sure.”
On Choosing Healthy Food
Andy called me when he was out buying groceries from the list I wrote for him:
Andy: “So when it says, ‘soy sauce,’ do you mean… ?” He lists 10 related items and brands.
Me: “No, when I say ‘soy sauce,’ I mean the stuff that isn’t actually soy sauce. It says ‘liquid aminos’ or something like that on the bottle.”
Andy: “Oh, ok.”
Andy: “When it says ‘noodles- mushroom’, what kind of noodles are those?”
Me: “Those are the ones that aren’t actually noodles. They just look like noodles. They’re long and thin. They’re in the mushroom section. I don’t know what they’re called.”
Etc.
Etc.
Me: “I feel better because I fasted and prayed today. It gives me hope.”
Andy: “I didn’t fast, but I did have a chicken salad sandwich from X restaurant today, so . . . that probably counts.”
Me: (?) “And why is that?”
Andy: “Because it’s not very good! I didn’t have lunch from Y restaurant!”
So, “fasting” for Andy means eating out at a lower-star-eating establishment. Well, we all start somewhere!
I offered our friend a chocolate chip cookie. She excitedly stretched out her hand to take one, but then a look of horror came over her face, and her hand hovered above the plate mid-air.
She asked with increasing trepidation, “Wait. These don’t have black beans or something like that in them again, do they?!”
Happy New Year, friends.
(May you laugh much at your ridiculousness in the coming year, too!)
We start working on our marriage by successfully applying two nonsense words to our marriages. But you are ready for the blue runs, the intermediate terrain. One blue ski run (or intermediate acronym) for the daring only is:
Click here to continue reading this (previously published) post.
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When we were newly married, my husband left his shoes on the floor instead of the shoe rack, and I tripped on them.
When I tripped on them again, I politely asked him not to do this anymore.
Then I cried and hoped tears would implore him to put his shoes away after taking them off, a life lesson that was perhaps taught on a day he was absent from Kindergarten, so he never learned, even 45 years later.
Manipulative, imploring tears didn’t work either.
I tried anger, and nope – Nothing.
It looks like this one bad habit came WITH my husband, and so we fudged along, as couples who have been married for a long time do, until even this habit became “cute.”
Until it wasn’t.
After I broke my ankle, and for some reason, the “leaving shoes/ slippers” in the middle of where I am walking seemed to get a steroid hit. I found myself tripping over my husband’s shoes multiple times a day. So, I did the only rational thing a rational person WOULD do in this situation!
I began throwing his shoes outside.
However, this wasn’t the magic bean solution I had hoped for.
(Did I mention that I offer marriage advice as well?*)
And why, you are asking, are you airing your dirty shoe laundry ALL OVER the internet? Good question. It’s because of what happened next.
I poured out my poor, misunderstood heart (She didn’t QUITE have those words to describe me, though – Why not?) to a friend.
And she’s a great friend.
The kind who may even kick you in the rear once or twice, and your life often starts looking up after the pain.
Here is what she said the following week, “Lori, I’ve finally figured out the solution to your shoe problem!” she began excitedly.
We found a quieter corner of the church so she could impart her wisdom.
“Every time you stoop to pick up shoes and put them on the shoe rack, this is an opportunity for you!”
“Huh?” I asked, confused, remembering how my blood boils in righteous indignation at the sight of misplaced shoes.
“Yes,” she continued. “You can pray for where his feet go, and that the souls of his walking will be soft, and that God will lead his feet to travel wherever He wills for him and . . .” She was gushing now. “And I’ve calculated how long this will take you. It will be about 3 minutes of your day.”
She was right, of course.
And after the bruise on my butt heals where she kicked me, I think things are looking up in our marriage, too!
She gave me some INCREDIBLE, UNIQUE advice I could NEVER have figured out on my own!
And that’s why we need a community that loves us.
Because after the pain comes the healing.
If you reason with an arrogant cynic, you’ll get slapped in the face; confront bad behavior and get a kick in the shins. So don’t waste your time on a scoffer . . . Save your breath for the wise—they’ll be wiser for it.
Recent update on this situation: After this conversation with my friend, I asked God what to do about this situation. (Novel idea!) I envisioned my husband and I discussing this situation over a glass of wine, dinner, and a date.
On the date, he saw things in a new light – It seems my rational mouth spoke more forcefully than throwing his stuff outside.
The following week, he said, “Darn! I didn’t put my shoes away!” and ran to get them before I got to the front door.
“Darn! I lost my opportunity to pray for your feet!” I said, watching him put away his shoes instead of me.
God’s way is better. God is good. To Him be praised.
(And let’s thank God for a whack from a friend, too.)
Need a whack?
Reach out anytime!
You’re welcome!
Good luck!
Footnotes
*More marriage advice is coming in tomorrow’s post!
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Like a well-trained doctor who assesses your symptoms and states with certainty your sickness, I (though not trained in this stuff at all*) also state with certainty your malady:
And before we begin, I must start by saying I am well aware that, for some reason that I do not quite understand, when I give excellent advice on how to live your life, you say things like, “That’s funny!” And thus, sometimes you laugh at the wrong times or things. And yet, despite this blatant persecution, misjudgment and bullying (what’s the difference?) I will continue giving my sage advice.
To get your belly laughs warmed up, here are some unusual things my brain has noticed lately.
Advice #1: How To Rise And Shine With Enthusiasm Every Day!
I hate my alarm clock.
The little “chirp, chirp” sound startles me, so the last time I went camping, I found myself swearing loudly at 4 am at the little birdies chirping in the trees outside, thinking they were my blasted alarm clock. My cussing woke the other campers, who were still glaring at me over their thick campfire coffee brew several hours later. Why do they make “bird chirp sound” as an option on alarm clocks anyway?
If they REALLY wanted me to get out of bed quickly in the morning, they would make an alarm clock that makes the sound my dog makes just before he throws up beside my bed.
Advice #2: How to Enjoy Marital Bliss, Even When You Feel (Just A Little Bit) Like Choking Your Spouse!
Certified professionals, the ones that charge $160/hr – who knows why? Is it just because they have training?* – often say annoying things like “Talk about your problems.” That only backfires from my experience. How do you have marital bliss? Keep your mouth shut! Follow the saying:
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half closed after that!”
So, for example, if your spouse keeps running out of gas (I speak in idioms – NOT that anyone you know would ever do this!), make sure that “gasoline” is one of those words that must NEVER be mentioned! Except when he runs out of gas next time, the word “gasoline” can be used as ammunition for why you should win the next disagreement! Trust me!
It works!
Advice #3: How To Be Attractive, Even When You Are Getting A Bit Older!
With back pain, showering or brushing your teeth can be difficult.
Yet, do this if at all you think you can!
(Also remember to take the laxative EARLIER in the day so that the house doesn’t smell as bad at night when you and your spouse are relaxing and enjoying a romantic evening at home together!)
Advice #4: How To Choose The Best Pet That Fits Your Family Perfectly!
How long does it take for the excitement of a new puppy, or bunny or pony, to wear off, and then the kids return to cratering their iPhones like a newborn baby while we entice our kids to PLEASE take poor Alfred for a walk and to brush his mangy hair! And yet, buying pets is what good parents do, and we want to be like everyone else!
So the next time one of our children wanted another animal, I surprised myself by confiding to the clerk at the pet store when my child was out of earshot:
I figured out what my family REALLY thought about me lately, and it was a bit of a shock.
Here’s what happened.
We were reading an excellent book together as a family.
Caveat: Before you get the wrong idea of us all drinking hot chocolate and stringing popcorn and cranberries by the fire as we each take turns reading aloud together, singing a song between each chapter, aka Little House on the Prairie style, no, it wasn’t like that. It was an audiobook played in the car during our day-long drive to visit extended family. The book just helped us not to want to kill each other.
Setting the mood.
Anyway, the book was excellent. It was called Jesus Revolution. I would highly recommend it*. We all got into the story, and even the child we initially had to bribe to listen to the story with us asked for more!
At one point in the book, the author, Greg Laurie, is described as having something like “deep spiritual depth and a bit of an unpredictable, crazy personality. You never knew what he was going to do next.”
My husband looked at me sneakily out of the corner of his eye, smirking. “WHAT???” I asked. “What are you smirking about??”
“Oh,” he replied, looking away casually, “just something said in the book.”
“What??” I protested. “I’m not…!” And then he laughed, and there was a muffled chuckle, I think, from the back seats.
So I guess my family thinks that his personality describes me!
Hmmm. . .
But that’s okay because my family HAS to love me.
What do I mean, you ask?
Well, we homeschool them, so we read to them from books that say things like this:
Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it.
Then, we go to a church where they read the same stuff.
At church, they HAVE to love you, too! If you find people who don’t love you there, find some others to love. You’ll find true believers who promise to love you no matter what your personality – even the “unusual” ones – whew!
So we can finally relax and have fun.
We’re loved!
And this reminds me of what we did last night. I bought a gift for my family – well, sort of. Okay, yes! I did buy it for myself and pretended to give it to the family!
It is called The Adventure Challenge. You scratch off an “Adventure,” and then the family HAS (Yes, teens, that word is “HAS”) to do the Adventure together. Last night, we strung out yarn as an obstacle course through the basement, and we had to go through it as fast as we could, being sprayed in the face with water each time we accidentally touched a string.
It was fun.
And my superhero outfit? Yeah, I am wearing a bathing suit over the top of my leotards. And yes, the big “S” on my shirt WAS made a spur of the moment. It helped me go faster!
I even got first place!
Before any of the others went, I was ranked first, that is.
So relax! Make your teens do fun and crazy stuff with you! If you’re unsure how, try making “fun” a prerequisite to “food,” for example! They’ll thank you later (Okay – maybe MUCH later).
Your kids are loved, too!
And that was the message of the Jesus Revolution book, actually. It was about a bunch of crazy hippy kids who were overcome, in some cases literally, by the love of God. That love overflowed to others and transformed a nation (Even Time Magazine did a cover article about this movement on June 21, 1971).
She danced in the field that summer morning, praising her maker.
What He promised, quietly, with a whisper of love, that He would guide and comfort, HAD materialized.
Here is what happened.
At the women’s gathering that day long, long ago, this good mother poured out her heart to another.
The tears racked her body as she openly shared her fears.
Generational problems pursued her family. Her grandmother, grandfather, father, mother, sister, and auntie bathed in the pool of these problems. None of them had figured out how to get out of this pool, dry off, to dance in that grassy place in freedom.
They all felt like they were drowning instead.
How would her relationship with her daughters differ from what was experienced by every other family member?
The despair of this situation overwhelmed her.
They bowed their heads, these two women, and prayed together that day so many long years ago.
And God spoke, in the recesses of this desperate mother’s heart, a strategy and plan to walk in freedom, step by step, to carve out a new path from the dysfunctional road all her family member walked.
I’ll put it as urgently as I can: You must get along with each other. You must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a life in common.
And she was joined in marriage to a man who also longed to walk a new path, the one that Jesus walked ahead of them and beckoned them to follow.
And they did.
And years later, when their first child leaves home, they look back with a cool drink and remember the pain and branches across the path of the road they followed Jesus on. They remembered their hair and clothes full of the pieces of branches, yet their hearts grew larger each day as they learned, through following Him, how to love a little less selfishly, and pour more of their lives out on the other.
And He healed their union, their diversion from the path the others in their family travelled, with a different destination.
Their relationships with their children were healthy.
Not perfect.
Each member of this small family worked through and argued past, chopped chunks off each other, as a sculptor does to a piece of art.
But their path led to healthier relationships.
This couple celebrated the new lineage of increased unity that bonded their family, as they were all refined by this artist, Jesus.
Restoring Life 