8 Funny Things They Said About Love, Homeschooling, And Healthy Food That Will Make You Laugh (At Them)

woman in black and white crew neck shirt smiling

We enjoy publishing a letter and sending it to all our friends and family for the Holidays.

In this letter, we tell you some of the embarrassing things they (the other family members and friends) said last year!

(Yes, I take notes on what my friends and family say all year, JUST for this express purpose!)

For some reason, however, not many people talk to me much at the beginning of each year, and they seem a bit sulky. But don’t worry – it doesn’t last long!

I’m glad that YOU like me, at least!


On Love

I was looking at my husband with tears filling my eyes after I opened a glimpse of pain deep within my heart.

Andy looked back at me and . . . smirked (!)

Me: “Why are you smirking!?”

Andy: “I think you’re just PMS-ing.”

Andy laughs.

I realize he’s probably right and think, “You know you’ve been married a long time when…”


While driving to the ski hill:

Me to Andy: “Why don’t we drop off our ski boots first this time and then…” etc.

Andy: “But I always do it the same way!”

I thought, “Well, I guess that topic has now been exhausted for all time!”


I can sense a compliment coming. I wait in eager anticipation:

Andy: “Thank you for being so… nice.”

Me: (!!!)


On Homeschooling

The perils of playing board games with homeschooled kids:

I borrowed a board game from the library based on the movie “Dune.” We recently watched the movie together as a family.

Kyah: “I can’t play that board game!” she announced, frustrated.

Me: “Why?”

Kyah: “I haven’t finished reading the book yet!”


Me: “Maybe you want to play squash with me sometime, Kyah?”

Kyah: “Well, I don’t know. I’m pretty aggressive…” (Even though the wind blows her over sometimes)

Kyah continued, “And I also have martial arts, so I’m pretty busy…”

Kyah: “But I love you so… Yeah, sure.”


On Choosing Healthy Food

Andy called me when he was out buying groceries from the list I wrote for him:

Andy: “So when it says, ‘soy sauce,’ do you mean… ?” He lists 10 related items and brands.

Me: “No, when I say ‘soy sauce,’ I mean the stuff that isn’t actually soy sauce. It says ‘liquid aminos’ or something like that on the bottle.”

Andy: “Oh, ok.”

Andy: “When it says ‘noodles- mushroom’, what kind of noodles are those?”

Me: “Those are the ones that aren’t actually noodles. They just look like noodles. They’re long and thin. They’re in the mushroom section. I don’t know what they’re called.”

Etc.

Etc.


Me: “I feel better because I fasted and prayed today. It gives me hope.”

Andy: “I didn’t fast, but I did have a chicken salad sandwich from X restaurant today, so . . . that probably counts.”

Me: (?) “And why is that?”

Andy: “Because it’s not very good! I didn’t have lunch from Y restaurant!”

So, “fasting” for Andy means eating out at a lower-star-eating establishment. Well, we all start somewhere!


I offered our friend a chocolate chip cookie. She excitedly stretched out her hand to take one, but then a look of horror came over her face, and her hand hovered above the plate mid-air.

She asked with increasing trepidation, “Wait. These don’t have black beans or something like that in them again, do they?!”


Happy New Year, friends.

(May you laugh much at your ridiculousness in the coming year, too!)

God will let you laugh again

The Message

Oh, and remember!

The next time you say something stupid (i.e., today?), don’t forget to send it to me so we can laugh at you, too, next January!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

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Advice: Toss Christmas Booze! (Try Drowning Sorrows Here Instead)

I looked for a regular Christmas picture of our family (so I could prove to you all how proper we are and suitably impressive in demeanour), but all I could find were these photos.

Our kids are SO wiggly and annoying that they wouldn’t stand still long enough to get a proper photo!

Yes, that’s me on the right. (Why do you ask?) Well, I guess this one below will have to do.

Merry Christmas!

Oh – and just a little bit of advice – I know that’s why you read this stuff, after all!

Ahem . . .

If you are tempted to turn to the Christmas booze or whatever your vice* of choice is today, remember – try God instead!

Then you can have the enviable advantage over others** of being perceived as (relatively) “regular” like us!

You’re welcome!

Good luck!

Footnotes

*PS – All of us carry pain within, friend. Seriously, God has a path out of the mess. What’s your next step?

**The point of life is to look normal! (Isn’t it? It’s too bad my editor has the day off, or she could fix this.) “What is the point of life?” I wonder. Well, I’ll tell you the answer next time, friends! In the meantime, I wonder if I should get some booze for this growing existential angst I’m feeling today or … wait – I’ll ask God!

But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously.

The Message

I hope you take another step towards the One who quells your chaos, too, friend.

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Rise Above Frantic Holiday Shopping To Immediately Like Yourself More!

red bauble on brown giftbox

It was like he pushed his boot through the book he wrote, the one I was reading, and kicked me in the rear.

Ouch!

“What did you do that for?” I asked the book accusingly.

Click here to continue reading this previously published post.

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How To Find What You’re Looking For This Christmas

silhouette photography of person
Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

It was dark. I grasped the floor, trying to find some unseen object. I couldn’t remember what I was looking for, but I knew it was on the floor, not far away.

If I could only pick it up!

“Where are you?” I cried, tears streaming down my face. Then I brushed up against something, the finger of God. I tried to grasp it but went in the wrong direction by mistake and lost my sense of where it was again.

But now my heart was beating with hope.

The tears stopped flowing, just a riverbed of dry tears streaming down my face, now.

“Where are you, God?” I called out. Hope filled my heart. 

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I Found This Startling Truth: God Is Wrong! (But Smarter!)

man in white dress shirt wearing black framed eyeglasses
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

I want to be clear that I don’t think God knows what he’s doing with this one annoying habit of letting everyone use His name and, therefore, call themselves a Christian.

(I.e. Christian comes from the word Christ, as in followers of Jesus Christ.)

Look, I wish all the Christians looked like Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta, too. But they don’t. At least they could all look like Bill Gates and maybe not be super handsome but have an intellectual coolness in their back pocket.

Look, just so it’s clear if I was vetting admittance to the Jesus team, I’d have admittance cards.

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How To Be Successful? Loudly Flaunt More Of Your Ego!

monkey looking at mirror
Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash

So it’s my birthday!

dog wearing party hat
Photo by Delaney Dawson on Unsplash

My blog’s birthday, that is. My blog is two years old this week*. I can’t believe you found me in this unknown, unvisited corner of the internet!

And wow!

I can’t believe that every day, 10 of you** (No, I didn’t forget any zeros. Why do you ask?) read this stuff! And it’s not just the people in my family I bribe with food anymore! Whisper: Don’t people have anything better to do nowadays?

What I meant to say is: Wow! You must really like me!

Wait. What I meant to say is: Think of all the fame and glory I have!

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Blind To The Most Important Things? Borrow These Glasses So Your Heart Can See

floating black and silver Aviator sunglasses
Photo by @felipepelaquim on Unsplash

I put on my gloves, breathing in the brisk fall air and preparing to stomp on some fallen leaves with her as we walked together.

I excitedly anticipated hearing what ups and downs on the journey of life had coaxed her to recently move to our little town by the river, and to join our homey little church.

Spending time with her felt like a bit of a slap upside the head, however. But the good kind of slap upside the head. The type of slap helps you see things afresh and shakes out the cobwebs.

[God will give] a thorough housecleaning, getting rid of all the historical and religious junk so that the unshakeable essentials stand clear and uncluttered.

The Message

“Oh, there’s Raymond,” my new friend muttered under her breath as we passed by a disheveled, drug-addled young man. I was anxious to get back to our conversation and see what happened next in her life story. I coaxed, “but what made you move to . . . ”

She wasn’t listening.

“Hi, Raymond,” she called out. He smiled, genuinely pleased to see my friend, and waved at the three of us. At that exact moment, I looked around to see who must have smacked my new friend, as her eyes were inexplicably filling with tears. The cold fall air, I wondered. A brisk walk often made my eyes run, too.

But she was still talking about Raymond.

“Sometimes I just hold him in my arms and tell him God loves him,” she whispered, her eyes tearing. I looked around for who she could be speaking about. Had an old friend of hers just passed us as well? There was no one else around. My neck craned in all directions, and I stared wide-eyed at my new friend, slowly understanding she was still talking about Raymond.

“You do WHAT??” I wondered, horrified.

I quickly composed myself. I mean, I am a Christian, so of course, I – ahem – knew EXACTLY what she was talking about . . . er . . . knew of people who knew exactly what she was talking about . . . er . . . I mean, who doesn’t grab the odd smelly bum we pass on the street and hold them in our arms, crying tears of God’s love for them?

To reassure me, however, I made a mental note to check my “Christian Club Membership Card” when I got home to ensure it hadn’t expired.

Her heart mirrored a tiny piece of the heart of Jesus, and her words seemed to mirror what would have fallen from His lips.

I stared wide-eyed at this new friend.

She was still silently weeping. “I sense such a Spirit of God on him,” she said so quietly it was almost a whisper. I looked back at Raymond, who was walking away from us. He had waved and walked on.

The image of tears of love spilling from her face onto Raymond reminded me of another woman whose tears of love spilled onto Jesus.

Just then a woman of the village . . . came with a bottle of very expensive perfume and stood at [Jesus’] feet, weeping, raining tears on his feet. Letting down her hair, she dried his feet [and] kissed them, and anointed them with the perfume.

The Message


You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but [many] can only be loved with divine love.

Leo Tolstoy in War and Peace

As we continued walking in silence, I wondered:

– WHO really is Raymond?

– WHO am I?

– WHO is Jesus?

It seemed I was blind to all three.

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